Category: Healing After Abortion

I’ve Been Through Abortion Healing, Why is this Bothering Me Now?

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First, let us acknowledge that our abortions never go away. They are a fact in our life story that shaped subsequent actions and decisions. Abortion recovery programs play a pivotal role in helping women and men, but they do not erase abortion from our past or our future.

Natural Consequences 

A retreat or a group can’t protect us from unintended consequences as a result of an abortion decision. Often it is these unforeseen circumstances that cause us to question our healing. For many, the initial sense of relief after the abortion masks these realities: 

    • If the parents are in a relationship at the time of the abortion, statistically, that relationship will end. 
    • According to the Guttmacher Institute, 50% of women will go on to have multiple abortions. 
    • Studies in Finland and research by the Elliot Institute indicate that women who have had abortions are at greater risk of depression and suicide than women who carry their pregnancies. 

Regardless of future marital status or healing programs, other realities come into focus: 

    • Your parents are missing a grandchild; your aunts and uncles are missing another niece or nephew; and the number of cousins will be fewer by one. You are missing a child and possibly future grandchildren
    • She will think often about the child and with each passing year make a mental note of the anniversary of the abortion or the baby’s due date. She will think about how old the child would have been. 
    • If he wanted the baby, but she didn’t, he had a profound sense of helplessness when he had no legal right to challenge the procedure. This can result in lingering frustration and grief at the loss of the child. 
    • Having other children, or never having children, can be a painful reminder of lost fatherhood and lost motherhood. 

Our abortion decision is the stone thrown into the pond that has ripple effects on us and our future. 

Abortion is a loss 

The reality of abortion is that it is a significant physical, emotional, and spiritual loss. 

Grief over the death of a family member or dear friend dims over time but we continue to love that person, think of them, and reflect on our relationship with them. We are supported in that grief and subsequent healing by others who know the person or recognize the importance of that person to us.  

Yet, after more than 66 million abortions in the United States since 1973, our culture doesn’t recognize the death of an aborted child or the pain of the parents as significant. People who choose abortion are told to get through it, get over it, and move on. 

Through healing programs, we are encouraged to grieve, acknowledge our children, and memorialize them. After completing those programs, we often try to shut the door to that part of our lives and assume we are done. It isn’t realistic to believe you will never think about that child again or the circumstances that led to the abortion decision. 

Triggers 

A trigger is a thing, a person, or a situation that takes you back to your abortion experience(s). Triggers vary in scope and impact. They can evoke sadness, frustration, and anger. They also can threaten your sense of well-being and make you question everything you accomplished through your after-abortion healing work. 

A person’s list of triggers is as individual as the person herself/himself. A trigger can be seeing a mother and baby together; it can be an odor like the disinfectant at the abortion clinic; it can be overhearing someone (especially in church) say, “I don’t understand how anyone could have an abortion.” A family member or friend who is a vocal pro-abortion champion and unaware of your experience can be a trigger. Divisive conversation about abortion in the media is triggering. 

Reacting to a trigger does not mean your healing never happened or has gone away. Sylvia Blakely, Founder of Arise Daughter, believes triggers have a purpose: “Let that unexpected trigger help you to walk through the next open door. God is waiting there with the answers to the questions that you are only now ready to ask and have answers to. I can testify to the fact that the trigger won’t magically go away; you and Holy Spirit will have to partner on the healing.” 

Remember 

Time goes by and we forget the “aha” moments in our program(s) that opened the door to our healing. What was it about that particular word or truth that changed you? Do you meditate on the scriptures that helped you know, down to your bones, that God forgives you and that your sin is removed as far as the East is from the West? 

If an old grudge or hurt related to your abortion(s) monopolizes your thoughts, there may be someone you need to forgive or forgive again. Have the conversation, write the letter (the kind you don’t mail), and take every thought captive. 

Our enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Do not let negative thoughts chip away at your healing. Reread Ephesians 6:10-18. 

Seek Community 

Remember the overwhelming relief you felt (after the fear subsided) when you first shared your story in a safe setting? 

In her groundbreaking book, Forbidden Grief, Dr. Theresa Burke stresses the importance of community in our healing. “The importance of social support to the grief process reflects an important aspect of our human nature: Though we are individuals, we are inescapably social beings. The lack of social support will degrade or destroy our well-being. Conversely, the experience of social support, in even a single relationship, can strengthen our well-being.” 

Our need for community doesn’t end when the group is over. It is freedom to talk with a person, or a group, who shares your experience. Seek out an aftercare program. They are becoming more available for women; and for men. These drop-in sessions, in person or on Zoom, provide an outlet for sharing and listening about setbacks and victories in the healing process. It will remind you that you are not alone.

Learning the breadth and depth of God’s word doesn’t occur in a weekly service or meeting. It takes study and prayer overtime to comprehend God’s love and plan for our lives. Likewise, it takes a lifetime to fully understand the impact of abortion on our lives and the immeasurable love and mercy of God that He extends to us at each advance and each regression in our healing. He is with you!

Cindy Violet

Pregnancy Decision Health Centers

https://www.abortionrecoveryinfo.org/

I Never Thought About Abortion as an Option.

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I experienced an unplanned pregnancy in my second year of college. Although it was a shock, I honestly felt a little excited about the potential of this little life and the life I could have with my significant other. I didn’t even really see it as a “problem” until he responded that I should have an abortion. I never even thought of abortion! But he wouldn’t even consider the thought of a child, or for that matter, our future and this child. I was so confused. I immediately felt such a disconnect in our relationship and my ability to communicate with him. We didn’t talk thoroughly about anything because he just kept mentioning abortion, which completely shut me down. There was no love or concern for me, for my feelings, or for our baby, I felt alone.

As time went on, I felt so rejected, almost as if I had no option. I’m not fully sure why I felt like I had lost my voice. I was a strong, independent, (and honestly a bit unruly and mouthy) young woman. But this was something I was unprepared for, something not even on my grid. I felt frozen and unable to process what was happening because everything was moving so quickly. I was paralyzed by fear. Will I be alone? Can I even raise a child? How will my friends and teachers view me? What will my family think? Will I ever get married and have a normal life? Where will the money come from? Can I finish school?

The baby I was carrying suddenly began to feel like a threat. A threat to my current life and to what I wanted in the future. Or what I thought I wanted. In all the confusion and rejection, I thought about abortion as an option for the first time. What was once a firm no, went to a consideration. Although I never really discussed abortion with anyone or thought it fully through, I innately felt it wasn’t right. I knew it was a baby, but it seemed in that moment of consideration I didn’t allow myself to connect to my baby anymore. I no longer allowed myself to envision a baby in my future. It seemed as if it was a quick escape from all that was screaming at me. It was a solution that promised to eliminate this “threat” I was feeling and “get my life back to normal”.

How did this surprise that brought me a glimpse of joy turn into such a dark and dreaded place? I couldn’t shake the dread and fear about continuing the pregnancy and ultimately decided to have a surgical abortion. It was a quick, but very painful procedure. When it was over, I immediately felt loss and regret. I cried myself to sleep and cried out to God to forgive me. Why did I only talk to God then? Oh, how I wished I would have talked to him before this awful day.

I lived many years with an awful pit on the inside of my stomach. I didn’t view myself or the world around me the same. It eventually came to the place where I couldn’t avoid it anymore, I was stuck in addiction and having major depression. Finally, I ran to church. It was the only place I knew to go. I slowly began to heal and to have hope! After several years on this new journey with God, someone encouraged me to go to a healing program specifically for women who had an abortion in their past. I entered a small group with four other women. I still remember starting that group. I was terrified.

I was letting others see the worst part of me and asking them to love me anyway. Hoping that they would see past that awful ugliness and just give me a chance to explain. But the reality is, I didn’t truly have any excuse that would make it or me look or feel any better. It was the scariest and most sacred place I have ever been. We spent many weeks together crying, praying, sharing our anger, our sadness, our guilt and our regret with one another. We walked back through our painful memories so we could allow God and each other into those places and heal. It was holy ground, a place that only God could help heal. What took place there has marked me forever. I’m not that rejected broken woman anymore. I know a God who loves and is for me. I have a new perspective that allows me to see the beauty of what is right before me and the faith for things I don’t yet see. I have an expectation of good things for myself and for others.

If you are broken from abortion, I want to say I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry you didn’t receive the support you needed. I’m so sorry you felt rejected or abandoned in your time of need. I’m sorry no one ever told you the truth about abortion. I’m so sorry you are feeling alone and like you can’t imagine this awful pain ever going away. I know that awful pain and despair. But let me extend my faith to you right now, you can get through this. And not just get through it, but you can thrive and have joy again. You can have hope for your future and still have a life that you can be proud of.

I know it’s scary but reach out today and join a group. You will be encouraged, equipped, and most importantly, you will be in community with others who are feeling the same way. You were never meant to do this alone!

For information on groups visit https://heartbeats.org/abortion/after-abortion-support/

To register or to speak with someone email Melissa and Janice at healing@heartbeats.org or call 740.327.0601. We will get back with you during regular business hours.

All services are no cost. 

Can Abortion Result in Trauma?

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As an abortion healing provider one of the biggest challenges we face is the acknowledgement by mainstream society that an abortion decision creates lasting impact on the person who makes that decision. While relief may be the first emotion felt, sometimes quickly or days, weeks or months later a greater sense of regret and grief sets in. Sometimes even the realization that physically one’s body may never be the same.

We recognize that this regret and grief is tremendously complex and often stretches far before the abortion decision was made. The reality that many people are not protected and cared for growing up, that they are exposed to addictions and harmful environments too young, and that abuse and neglect are rampant in our culture play a part in harmful decisions made as they mature. We are more than the sum of one decision and our emotions, and thought processes are set in motion based on the totality of our life choices and experiences.

We say all this to say, we recognize that symptoms experienced after an abortion are likely not completely related to the abortion decision, but are often triggered by the abortion due to past trauma, abuse and neglect. When a woman or man makes the decision to abort they are most often not informed of the vast impact on their minds, bodies and emotions. 

A decision that is widely advertised as a solution that then leads to negative and difficult emotions is confusing at best. Then when those negative effects set in, those experiencing them are not given education and resources to turn to to process them. If anything they are being gaslit into believing that all their struggles must be from a past mental illness and are not being triggered by their decision.

So what is trauma? Our best definition is:

Trauma is a lasting emotional response to a distressing or life-threatening event that can have adverse effects on a person’s well-being. Traumatic events can be a single incident or an ongoing experience that’s difficult to cope with or out of a person’s control.

It’s important to know there are differing opinions in the mental health field as to what can result in trauma.. 

    • First, the field of diagnosing and treating trauma did not start until the 1970s after Vietnam War veterans began to exhibit symptoms that were later defined as trauma. Since the understanding of trauma initially focused on war veterans, it has taken many years for the mental health field as whole to acknowledge the many other events and situations that can result in trauma. Some organizations and professionals have been slow to accept this broader understanding of trauma. 
    • Second, many mental health professionals and organizations are specialized so they often understand and explain mental health phenomena through their specialized lens which makes it hard for them to adapt their understanding. 
    • Finally, and tragically, empirical data and valid science is distorted or ignored for monetary, cultural or political reasons. Over the years, conditions have been added and removed from the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) based purely on shifts in culture and the worldview of the DSM committee.     

These three observations provide a sliver of insight as to why some mental health organizations and many individual practitioners do not consider having an abortion experience as a common cause of trauma. 

The individuals and organizations that have been helping women, men and families with abortion experiences have no doubt as to the connection between abortion and trauma. A study conducted by Support After Abortion found that 34% of women suffer “adverse impacts” like anger, shame and regret from medication abortions.”  

Thankfully, there appears to be a slow shift towards a more accurate assessment of abortion-related trauma even from some government mental health organizations such as The National Institutes of Health.  Additionally, “a meta-study in the British Journal of Psychology analyzed 22 studies involving 877,181 women, 163,831 of whom had experienced an abortion, and found that women who had undergone abortion were 81% more likely to suffer from mental health problems, including alcohol and drug abuse, anxiety, depression, and suicide (17).   

We know the debate will continue. Our goal and our job is to provide a safe, validating, and  non-judgemental environment for women and men to process their trauma as it relates to their abortions. Through this, we pray many will feel confident to share their stories and lead others into a healing space as well. 

Written by:

Found & Woven: Hope After Abortion

(816) 847-2911

www.foundandwoven.com

1 See “Women’s Research Study and White Paper” on Support After Abortion’s website: https://supportafterabortion.com/resources/research/women/

 2 See https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10312394/

 3 https://supportafterabortion.com/resources/research/women/

How Abortion Affects A Marriage

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For the purposes of this article, let’s assume that abortion DOES affect a marriage. 

Let’s dive in to explore how marriage is impacted by abortion, based on our personal abortion experience. We’ll look at both the wife (Debbie) and husband (Tim) perspectives, including broken trust, unresolved grief, shame and others. 

We recognize that many couples are impacted in other areas after abortion, and a future marriage can be affected when the wife or husband has experienced an abortion prior to the current relationship. However, we chose to focus on our own struggles.

Our abortion story

Debbie

I grew up in a stable Christian home with loving parents and two sisters in IL. My life revolved around playing multiple sports, church activities and studies in school. I’m thankful to have avoided many of the pitfalls young women fall into during the teen years, by staying focused on God and having a strong family. You could call me “the good girl.”

Tim and I met shortly after we both graduated from high school, fell in love and were engaged within 9 months, knowing we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together.

Staying pure until marriage was a strong moral value I held in my heart.

I was blessed to land a full ride basketball scholarship to a Division I school in IN for my junior and senior years of college. Tim had been living in Mississippi for a few months for work. Because of the difficulties involved with pursuing a long-distance relationship, we decided I would move from IL to MS for the summer, before heading to college in August.

We set ourselves up for failure by not planning better living arrangements, and it didn’t take long for our relationship to go to a level we weren’t prepared for.

Several weeks before I was to head back to school, I heard those fateful words, “Congratulations, you’re pregnant.”

We were both paralyzed with fear.

“What will everyone back home think about us…about me? Our families, pastors, friends, teammates? My parents will be so disappointed. I could lose my scholarship, my education…my reputation.”

Together, we chose abortion, believing the lie that no one would ever have to know about our pre-marital sex, the pregnancy, or the abortion…and believing this was our only option.

How did abortion affect me and our marriage?

Broken trust: I trusted Tim to protect me. That what we were doing sexually was safe. The foundation of trust that healthy relationships are built upon was fractured before we said, “I do.” Later, I struggled to trust Tim for even minor decisions. While I tried to hide my lack of trust, it didn’t take long for Tim to realize this, which undermined his authority as the head of the household and his identity.

Secrecy: We never talked about the experience again, or how it was impacting us individually. We told no one. We both buried the secret deep in our hearts.

Dishonesty: Because we were unwilling to honestly share our feelings, our grief, the heaviness of the shame, we kept the happy face mask on when in public, and even with each other.

Unresolved grief: We got married the summer after the abortion. 

Our first pregnancy as a married couple ended in miscarriage. All the sorrow, shame and condemnation of the enemy came rushing to the surface, as the enemy taunted me with lies. “This is the punishment you deserve. God is mad at you. He will never give you another child.” 

Sadly, I internalized and carried those false beliefs, not once sharing how I felt or processing my grief. 

Shame: I was so ashamed of myself for not having more discipline to keep our relationship pure before God. I felt like a moral failure. Then, add the abortion on top of that, something I NEVER even thought about. The intense feeling of letting God down was a deep and painful wound. Yet, I didn’t open up to Him about it, or anyone else. 

Unworthiness: Shame led to feelings of unworthiness, like I didn’t deserve anything good from God, Tim or others. It was hard for me to receive, even gifts or compliments from Tim. 

Early in our marriage, I remember him getting me a nice outfit for my birthday. I found out how much he spent and returned it to the store because I thought he spent too much money. To Tim, that was like a slap in the face.

Unforgiveness: I did eventually believe God forgave me. But, I hadn’t truly forgiven Tim, or myself, which led to anger, bitterness and resentment. These gradually seeped out in my behavior, attitude and tone toward Tim.

Unrealistic expectations: I had emotional and spiritual needs, and I looked to my husband to meet every one. 

For years, I often thought I didn’t need women friends. I have Tim, and that’s all I need (sounds a little like codependency). I now realize that I didn’t want to get too close to anyone as a way of protecting my secret pain and true feelings. 

When Tim didn’t/couldn’t fulfill my expectations, I became angry, resentful, and confused.

Wedge: After several years, there was this “thing” that I couldn’t put my finger on between Tim and me. A wedge that began with a small sliver between us. But with each unmet expectation, disappointment, or disagreement, the wedge was tapped in a little farther.

Fear: Not only was fear a major factor in making the abortion decision, but I also carried an undercurrent of fear in my heart and mind afterward. Fear of people finding out, of what people think about me, of disappointing others, of not being perfect.

People-pleaser: Due to these fears, I worked hard to please everybody. I served on committees at church, was VBS director, Sunday School teacher, Board member, nursery worker. Saying NO was hard for me. I often put other people ahead of myself, my husband, and sometimes our kids, which left Tim feeling like low man on the totem pole.

Controlling parent: While others turn to drugs, alcohol, sex or other addictions to cope with abortion, control became my addiction. After not feeling in control of the situation surrounding the abortion, I longed to stay in control in every facet of my life. 

As we raised our first three children, I felt like I had to be the perfect mom and expected my kids to be perfect. Again, unrealistic expectations. Tim is laid back and patient, so me trying to control the kids (and him) created more issues between us. 

Difficulty with intimacy: Over time, intimacy became difficult for me. I felt like I couldn’t fully give myself to Tim. The weight of the shame, unworthiness, and unforgiveness in my heart numbed me, and created a distance between us. At our lowest point, we were basically co-existing in the same house, keeping up with the kids, but showing no affection.

Spiritually: Anytime sin is hidden, buried and not confessed, it impacts our relationship with God. He loved me the same. But my sin, and the aftereffects, drew me away from Him, further damaging my identity in Him, my purpose, and perspective of Him. 

While teaching our children about God, I was not receiving or walking in the fullness of the love of God for myself. It’s hard to give away what we do not have ourselves. I was spiritually malnourished, all while going to church every Sunday and Wednesday night and doing all the things. Ever heard the saying, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? The entire family was impacted.

Tim

I grew up the youngest of 8 children, 5 boys and 3 girls, in a Christian home. My father was a preacher. We were poor but didn’t know it. I grew up between Illinois and Tennessee having success in sports and enjoying my youth in the early 1980’s. I grew up knowing Jesus but continuing to take Him for granted. Knowing to do right but choosing to follow my own will for my life. I’m thankful God showed me grace and mercy to see me through.

How did abortion affect me and our marriage?

Trust Broken – as Debbie and I became closer and knew the plans we had to be married, in my mind I justified my decisions. She trusted me to keep her safe and that I would not lead us into bad situations and decisions. I broke her trust and the results of that was pregnancy of our first child and the abortion. With the Lord’s help and forgiveness every day, I try to restore the trust and be better than the day before with Jesus.

No Communication – After our abortion, Debbie and I were trying to get along with our lives like nothing ever happened. We never talked about the abortion and that led to not really talking deeply about anything, and which is not good in a marriage.

Feeling like I’m not good enough – Afterward, I always had feelings of self-doubt and never being good enough. This was a total turnaround from my life before the abortion. Because of my success in sports, I always had everyone telling me how great I was, and that I was good enough that I could do whatever I wanted. My decision to have an abortion broke something in me as I struggled to find purpose and meaning.

Never able to reconcile it – I believe this to be one of the toughest things to deal with as a man who has participated in an abortion…that I can do nothing about it. Once you make that decision and follow through, it’s done forever. When reality finally hit me that I can never in myself make this right, it broke me. It wasn’t until I let Jesus heal me and restore me that I was able to move forward.

Can’t fix it – Can’t fix my wife – As men, many of us pride ourselves in being able to fix things. I struggled as I took the responsibility to try and fix my wife. I knew I had disappointed her and hurt her, and I wanted to do whatever she wanted and whatever I could to fix her. Many years later, I realized I was not responsible for my wife’s decisions or anyone else’s, and that I just can’t fix some things. Only God is the master fixer, the only one who can.

Can’t go back and make it right – This is what breaks my heart. This is the thorn in my side, the prod that keeps me going. To know that I can’t go back and stop it all. To stop my carnal cravings and control my desire and impulses for my fiancé until the right time. To stop the abortion of my son, Thomas, and save his life. And to stop all the pain and hurt that followed. As I think of these things, it drives me on to help others. To make myself available for Jesus to use to help others see the truth, before they make an abortion decision.   

How did we find healing?

Too often abortion steals life, marriage, family, and legacy. Sadly, most relationships, whether married or not, end after experiencing the trauma of abortion. 

By the grace of God, our story has a happy ending! He was the glue that held us together those first 10 years of our marriage. We are thrilled to give Him all the glory as we celebrated our 37th anniversary this month!

We are forever grateful to the Lord for walking with us through those difficult years; for blessing us with two more amazing children (5 total); for restoring our relationship with Him and with each other; for washing away the shame and heaviness, healing our hearts, comforting us as we grieved, setting us free from our past; for calling us to open a pregnancy help center in IL, and anointing us for abortion recovery ministry.

Through healing in other areas of my life recently, like codependency, I’ve realized that many of the issues I struggled with after the abortion, were present before I even met Tim. Like the trust issues and being a people pleaser. I now realize my insecurities fed into the abortion decision.

Romans 8:28 NIV “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

He truly has taken what the enemy meant for evil and destruction and is using our journey as His instruments of grace for healing. 

Debbie & Tim Shultz

Embracing Grace After Abortion

www.DebbieAndTimShultz.com

Confidence and Life

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Proverbs 14:26-27

In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place a of refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death.

As a child of God, my confidence is not in myself; it is in my God. When doubts threaten -doubts produce death because they lead me away from God. I run to the fountain of living water where every good and precious gift is waiting: strength, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, direction, and assurance.

My God is my refuge.

My God is my life.

I fear separation from Him.

I fear disappointing Him.

I fear Him; He is holy.

He is my God, full of majesty and glorious splendor.

My Lord gives me strong confidence and life to run the race He has mapped out for me. My Lord keeps me from the snares of death.

My confidence is in God!

I Want Freedom From My Past Abortion

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“I want freedom from the bondage of my abortion.”

The woman who spoke these words entered an abortion recovery group with An Even Place knowing she was forgiven by God. She has been a Christian for decades. She has a good understanding of scripture; yet each day, for decades, she would repent of her abortion.

Abortion affects us so deeply. God designed men and women to be life bearers. The command God gave in the garden was, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” What exactly are we to fill the earth with? I feel like I’m asking the stupidest question, yet in today’s society where all our roles are upside down, it bears asking. In the Lord’s command He was instructing Adam and Eve to have children and fill the earth with them; and their children were to continue to follow this command.

So when a woman who knows the Lord, knows scripture, and knows she is forgiven repents of her abortion daily for decades, I’m never surprised. Having children is the most natural and spiritual thing we can do as women. Abortion violently disrupts childbearing.

Her heart broke over her decision so much so that she was blind to the fact she wasn’t really trusting God when He said, “It is finished.” Jesus hung from the cross and paid the penalty for the sin of mankind.  Just before taking His last breath, He spoke these words. He was saying our debt was, in that moment and till the end of time, PAID COMPLETELY!

As her facilitator I could’ve told her what she could not see and it probably would have been effective. However, one thing I have learned is that when the Spirit of God reveals truth to a person, it sticks.

In the group session we were discussing chapter 2, looking at the character of God. The question before the group was, If you believe God knows everything, what is one way you can respond to that belief? The three scriptures the participants were to look up are: 1 Chron. 28:9, Psalm 32:5, and Psalm 46:10. A quick side note regarding the bible study is that the scriptures in the book are the addresses only but not the words. So participants must use their bibles to look up the verses in order to know what it says and how to answer the questions.

As there were three ladies in the group, I assigned one verse to each lady. They were to read the scripture then answer the question from the book as part of our discussion. I gave her Psalm 46:10, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’ It is such a famous verse. We see it printed on coffee mugs, wall décor, and more. In the moment, however, I didn’t remember what that scripture address said. Neither did I know her version of the bible would read differently than what I just quoted. Her version reads, ‘Stop striving and know that I am God.’ Wow!

Oddly she didn’t make the connection to the striving she did nightly in her prayers to the verse nor to the question she was answering. So, I asked her to read just the first two words of the verse. When she did, her head went back and a huge smile spread across her face. The lights were coming on and we all saw the power of God do deep work in her heart. She then read the next few words, “…and know that I am God.” I asked her what she was learning.

She was able to tell us with confidence and assurance of salvation that Jesus did all the work, she can stop striving and act on that belief. I asked her how her prayers might change with this new understanding. She explained that she will now be praising God for the finished work on the cross for her sin. It was a beautiful moment.

God wasn’t finished.

In chapter 6 we focus on forgiving others for the hurts done to us. Toward the end of the chapter the question asks, “Have you asked God to forgive you for the ways you have hurt others?

Now, decades later, she was able to see how her decisions hurt her baby and the father of her baby. He didn’t find out about the pregnancy until she told him she had an abortion. While this truth was crushing to her heart, she was now positioned to receive this truth because of the release of the burden of continually repenting from chapter two.

We revisited Psalm 46:10 in that moment as I asked her how the understanding she had received from our session on chapter two applied to this new revelation. She remained confident in the work of Jesus even though she knew it would take time with God to work through this troubling revelation.

Once she was unburdened by her own sin before God, she was able to see the hurt her sin caused others. Abortion doesn’t happen in a vacuum; it impacts many people.

But God!

When we confess our sin, He is faithful for forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. The process of cleansing isn’t always a painless process. Indeed, sin is devastating to us personally and to those we hurt when we sin. God is faithful and what comfort we can have to know that not only are we are forgiven but cleansed as well.

As God Would Have It. …. One Man’s Story of Healing After an Abortion

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One thing to get started, the content we are going to talk about today may be difficult for some ears. It could fall under a PG rating: Parental Guidance or even RPG if there was one: Required Parental Guidance. The content is delicate but truthful and presented in the context that we cannot change what we do not acknowledge.  Or, as we have found in our various encounters in this ministry, change what we did not know. I fell into the “did not know” category.  However, since I am currently in the “now I know category,” I have the desire to spread the word.

To be clear, it is ok to be in the “I don’t know category” (just do not stay there). You will have a lot of company as I did. My/our commitment to you is to offer the truth as graciously as able. In some respects, it is “the rest of the story.”  For many, it is stuff we have not been told.  

Today, I want to shed light on a topic often overlooked in discussions surrounding abortion: the impact on men. While most of the discourse rightly focuses on women’s experiences and rights, it’s crucial to recognize that men, too, can be deeply affected by decisions related to abortion. I invite you to join me in exploring the often-unspoken struggles and wounds faced by men in the context of abortion. Let us delve into this important conversation with empathy and understanding.

For every abortion, a man is involved. I am one of those men. At the time of the abortion in my 20’s, I had bought into the narratives and justifications of the time, some of which are still in play today of “it not being convenient, we weren’t married, what would our parents or friends say?”  Plus, and, after all, it was not a child.  Over time through maturing emotionally and spiritually, I became an abortion-wounded man. What do I mean by that? The realization of it was not the blob of tissue but indeed a child. My wife and I had 3 great kids but I realized we really had 4. A nagging guilt was beginning to grow. 

As God would have it, shortly after this nagging guilt continued to grow, I was asked to help at a pregnancy center in some sort of fundraiser around 2002.  I did not know what a pregnancy center was, but I immediately thought about my abortion and figured it would be a way to atone for the guilt.  In 2005, I moved to The Woodlands where a friend was volunteering for a pregnancy center and said they were looking for men volunteers. Oh boy!! An even better opportunity to atone. I had no idea how that would really work out.

During the volunteer interview, I was asked, if I had abortion experience and if I did, had I reconciled the experience. I did not know what “to be reconciled” meant, but it was a requirement to go through a post-abortion study to address that past. As God would have it, this particular center had a post abortion healing group for women and kind of a program for men.  Their program is called “C.A.R.E.”(Confidential Abortion Recovery and Education). 

I went through a post abortion study “for men” led by the CARE leader. It was a 10-week study focusing on who God is, with a strong emphasis on forgiveness and looking back to the event. Later, I had the opportunity to take several men through the same study. Through that, I realized that study was not particularly men oriented. That prompted a thorough search for men specific, abortion-wound recovery material.

Most I found were written, first as women’s recovery tools, and then somewhat edited to be, or claimed to be for men. That search led me to write what became the book, Healing the Father, Second Edition, which is essentially what I wished I had been told before my abortion involvement and what I did to gain a peace with that past. Another result, as God would have it, my experience with AA prompted a similar writing style and construction as found in AA’s “Big Book” a personal story, stories of other’s healing journey, and actions going forward supporting their sobriety.

I included how I came to decide on abortion (my story). I interviewed health professionals who described the women’s physiology of being pregnant and examples of resulting behavior. I included men’s experiences and women’s experiences. Most importantly for men, (who like to fix things) I included specific actions I took and as a hint, actions they can take to reach and maintain their peace with that past. I even included a list of books to read that together support forgiveness and peace, a list of songs supporting a new way of daily actions, and a checklist of 31 questions to determine their current peace journey.

The book was published in 2018. I had no expectations of how it would be received.  But with the knowledge there were well over 40,000,000 men in the US at that time who would have their own abortion experience, I felt there was a deep need.

About 2020, I was asked by a pregnancy center in Florida with an active abortion recovery emphasis if I could help them with their overflow. I agreed and since have worked with about 200 men from all over the US, some in Canada, New Zealand, and France.  It became a test of what I wrote to see if it worked for others.  For the vast majority of men who have done it, this approach has worked. It is of note that France recently made abortion a constitutional right as there are those in the US who desire the same in our constitution.

How did I decide to pursue an abortion then and how is it relevant today?

We were in our 20s when she became pregnant. We weren’t married or even engaged. We both were in school and didn’t have real jobs. When she told me she was pregnant, my first reaction was the thought that “we need to abort.” I had bought into a lot of the justification that is repeated today:

    • “It’s not convenient for us.”
    • “We aren’t married.”
    • “What would our parents say?”
    • “What would our friends say?”

In short, it was all about me, not either of us.

The decision to abort was made rather quickly. It’s just what one did in such a circumstance… or so I thought as “the world” was telling me. I followed what “the world” was saying. 

My focus was all about me. I did not embrace the reality that there was a person we were talking about. 

Growing up in the ‘50s and ‘60s, I attended a Protestant church on a weekly basis. I was “churched” but not taught… and certainly not taught God’s idea of when life begins. 

I had never been exposed to Jeremiah 1:5:

I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born, I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world. 

I had never heard Psalm 139:13:

 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

At the time, abortion just wasn’t a topic anywhere… especially not in church. I don’t recall being taught when life began from a Biblical perspective. 

Neither of us understood or knew the potential for emotional fallout that would result from having an abortion. It took me a while to figure out there were emotional consequences. In fact, this understanding didn’t set in until we had children of our own nearly 20 years later. Through maturing emotionally and spiritually and finding out it was a hurt I had carried all that time; I began to understand we had aborted an actual person. When I came to the full realization it was a person, guilt began to creep in. I had three blessings of great kids, and realized I really had four. This discovery was becoming an emotional burden. 

Again, as God would have it, I deal with a significant number who have the same or similar background. When I share my experience, a “You too?” bond develops.

What do these guys say in the first conversation? They often mimic my abortion involvement. As well, there is significant consistency in their guilt and regret. Some had recent experience. Most parallel my trajectory in that the guilt and regret surfaced later. 

None knew how to address their guilt, regret and for some, shame. Nor did they readily know where to turn to address it.  My referrals come from pregnancy centers who have a men’s focus. It appears, there is an increased awareness for the men in the abortion process. I so wish it was a more common topic and I am thankful this church would embrace the conversation. My focus I share with others in the abortion-wound healing arena is two-fold:  helping abortion-wounded men find their peace and then spreading the word that there is a large abortion-wounded population among us. 

So, what is the population we are talking about who might be termed abortion-wounded? Since Roe v Wade in 1973, and, according to The National Right to Life.org Tenth Annual Report January 23, 2023, based on data from the CDC and the Guttmacher Institute, the estimate is  64,443,118 abortions.  Boiling those numbers down to women and men, those with multiple abortions, both men and women and an estimate of who would still be alive today, it is conservatively estimated that nearly 1 out of 5 adult Americans today are post-abortive. I am often corrected that it is closer to 1 out of 4. So, let’s use 1 out of 4.  The next time you are at a large event, imagine every 4th person standing up.  That is the statistical population we are describing.

How does it affect them? To be honest, for some, not at all. 

For others, their guilt and regret begins to creep in after maturing emotionally and spiritually as did mine.  Some of the emotions triggered by guilt and regret can be anger, compulsive behavior or displacement activity, flashback to the abortion, self-condemnation, and a host of other dysfunctional behaviors. Much of their day-to-day life will mimic PTSD where they tend to relive the event and avoid situations that trigger memories of the event. It can lead to a sense of lessoned self-worth. At some point, they can reach their tipping point in regretting their decision and seek help or want to seek help. And that is where we can enter the picture.  We have been there and come back and welcome the opportunity to help another gain peace from that past.

Our/my approach is gentle yet resolute. I personally don’t tell a guy what to do but share with him what I did to gain my peace that is found ultimately in the miracle of forgiveness offered by our Savior Jesus Christ. 

So, thank you for this platform and opportunity to share.  Our hope is I have shared some information not commonly discussed but prevalent in our society today. I hope you will begin to share this information with your children as appropriate.  We hope you encourage your pastors and counselors to seek out information on the abortion-wounded among us.  We/I am available to be called on us to help those hurting with the abortion-wound they are carrying.  There are many.

Written by:

Chris Rainey

Author of Healing the Father

Does the Mercy of God End at Abortion?

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“You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it!”

Have you ever heard this or thought this about yourself? Is that God’s heart toward sin?

If it were His heart, He’d have told Adam and Eve, in the garden, “Sorry kids, you made your bed by listening to the serpent, did what I told you not to do, now you must lay in that bed, good luck with that.”

Imagine if God actually said this, where would we be today?

God didn’t reprimand them and walk away. He provided atonement for them in the form of an animal sacrifice. They once were naked with shame. The shame of their nakedness was the consequence of their sin (disobedience). They tried to cover themselves with fig leaves. Can you imagine how scratchy that would’ve felt?

God presented the first sacrifice in order to cover their nakedness. An unmerciful God would’ve let them suffer in their fig leaves, suffer in their confusion, suffer endlessly until they did something to change His mind. This is the way of other gods in this world.

Not so with the Lord of lords, this is not the heart or way of the God of the universe.

He made them soft clothing. He understood that their nakedness would be a constant reminder of their sin and disobedience. He knew nakedness would cause constant shame.

Now, did they have reminders? Yes! They had to now wear clothes, they were banished from the garden to toil with weeds and thorns from the ground, and most notably their relationship with God would change dramatically. God knew how the changes would affect them so He created soft, tender clothing that would also remind them of His grace, of His love, of His mercy, and of His promises. As a result of their sin, they now needed a Savior from their condition. He foretold that such a Savior would come. A Savior who would pay the ultimate sacrifice to free them from their sinful condition.

As a result of this, generation after generation looked for this Savior.

Today we know Him as Jesus.

He lived a sinless life, came with the purpose of being our atoning sacrifice so all who look to Him would/will be saved.

Your sin is not too big for the saving love of Christ. He said, “All who are weary and heavy-laden come to Me and I will give you rest. For My burden is easy and My yoke is light.” He wasn’t speaking to those who are laboring for His name, who “have it altogether”. He came for the sick (the spiritually sick person) not the well person. Sin makes us sick.

Have you had an abortion and now it makes you sick? Literally? It also makes you sick spiritually. And not just the sin of abortion. The sin of gossip, fornication, lust, lying, pride, murder, being unthankful. There is no sin bigger than another in God’s eyes.

All are equal at the cross. There is no man on this earth or has ever been on this earth that has lived a sinless, perfect life except Jesus. He came for you and me.

After three abortions I told myself, “You’ve made your bed, you have to lay in it.” I resigned to a miserable life and existence. Then Jesus entered my life, Jesus helped me see what I was blind to previously, Jesus extended His hand to pull me out of the pit I made my bed in. He had pity on me because I was so wretched. My abortions weren’t the only sin I had committed in my life. There were many: sexual promiscuity, drinking till I couldn’t remember things, lying, stealing, gossiping, hatefulness, ungratefulness, and the list could go on and on.

 

I was a wretch!

 

The good news is the in the amazing grace of Jesus Christ. He paid the debt I owed. Do you know the song?

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see.

Yes, I was/am the wretch in the song. That truth no longer brings me disparity; it brings me great joy. Because I know God’s mercy does not have an end. I know this because when I made my bed in hell He was there. He came for me.

He saved me! And He wants to save you.

Salvation is for everyone who calls on the name of Jesus. Call on His name today and see the miracle of new life He will place in your heart. God’s mercy extends to all who call on His name even to those who choose abortion.

 

 

How Can I Forgive Myself After Abortion?

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“I know God has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself.” This is the phrase I hear most often from women who are Christians and have experienced abortion. What is it about abortion that leaves many feeling like it is the unforgivable sin? Keep reading to find out more.

Is Abortion the Unforgivable Sin?

The enemy has branded abortion as the unforgivable sin. Many believe this lie and think that they have to live with the shame of abortion for the rest of their lives. It is their self-imposed penance.

Thank goodness God offers grace! Grace is an undeserved favor. When God lavishes His grace on us, of course we don’t deserve it. But He does it anyway! Why is it that we can accept the grace He offers to save us, to bring us into His family, but when the same grace says we are forgiven from abortion, we can’t accept it? Scripture tells us God’s plan for dealing with sin, and it is really good news for us! We just have to willingly accept it.

There Has to Be More to It, Right?

Someone might say, “I understand God has a plan for redeeming my sin, but I am too far gone. It won’t work for me.” They think there must be more to it than just accepting God’s forgiveness.

What they are really saying is, “I am waiting to feel forgiven, then I will know I am forgiven.” This “waiting to feel forgiven” has no basis in Scripture. Nowhere in the Bible does it say you will be forgiven when you feel forgiven. Instead, it offers a formula authored by God for forgiveness: repent, confess, and believe. That is the key to forgiveness!

If we wait to “feel forgiven” for our abortions, most of us will never move on. We must “walk in forgiveness by faith,” and our feelings will eventually follow. 

How Do We Walk in Forgiveness?

In order to walk in forgiveness, we must realize that what we may be feeling is not true guilt from God, but shame. Guilt is when the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin so that we can repent and turn back to God. It is healthy for believers to experience guilt because we are all sinners, and it drives us back into the arms of God. However, when we repent of our sins but still have guilty feelings, that is false guilt or shame, which isn’t from the Lord. And since it isn’t from the Lord, but from the enemy, we should recognize it as condemnation and refuse to accept it! We can scorn the shame, just as Christ did on the cross (Hebrews 12:2).

Our mindset changes when we realize the difference between true and false guilt. We see that condemnation is from the enemy, and we are to rebuke it. We understand that abortion is not the unforgivable sin. We recognize that God doesn’t want us to remain in a prison of shame after abortion and that He made a plan to deal with it long before we had our abortions. His plans are perfect, and we can trust Him!

Written by

Sara Hamilton

Real Options Abortion Recovery

Roartx.com

Shame is a Bully

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Imagine you are at the playground with a little toddler aged child. You help her onto the swing and push her high, but not too high. You get on the merry-go-round and spin with her until you are dizzy. That merry-go-round didn’t affect her at all. She is off and running as soon at the ride stops. You, on the other hand, are still swirling about. You choose to sit and watch her play in the sand or chase other children while you take a break to allow your vision and brain a moment to stop spinning.

A larger child, obviously too large to play with your sweet little one, approaches her. You see the larger child begin to bully and shame your child, but you are still spinning so you wait another second or two hoping the bully will tire of your child and go about his business. He remains and your child cowers, she is unable to stand against this giant person.

There is no more time to wait for your world to stop spinning; you need to step in. The bully is bigger than your child but significantly smaller than you. It will only take you stepping behind and towering over him. He will flee and you will swoop your precious little one into the safety of your arms and head home.

Hebrews 12:2

…looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Did you catch that?

Jesus endured the cross, despising the shame. The bully in our lives often lives in our minds, whispering sinister half-truths, relishing our demise. Shame is a bully. Often, we fear shame from others, but the reality is we spend a great deal of time shaming ourselves, especially those of us who have abortions in our past. When we sin against God, and abortion is sin, shame enters our world. Shame whispers to us, “You are worthless, look what you did!”

Jesus took our sin upon Himself at the cross. He did it out of love. He despises the shame our sin causes us. He scorned (thinks little of) it so much He paid the price of our sin debt; He the perfect sinless, sacrifice for our sin before a holy God.

When shame bullies us, Jesus stands behind it, just as the mom in the story above, and shame has to flee. Truth and lies don’t mix. Light and dark repel one another.

But did you catch the joy in that verse? For the joy that was set before Him. What or who is His joy? We are!  You and me! Shame may be a bully, but Jesus is bigger. He came and despised our shame, standing in the gap so we can have a relationship with Him. And this is the good news we all long for.

One of the greatest ways to heal from past abortions is learning to put shame in its place. If you are saved, call yourself a Christian, profess Jesus as your Lord then all that is needed is that you believe what the bible says is true. It is hard work to change your thought patterns but take it from me, once you do, you’ll discover, as I did, that there is very little shame from others. Most of the shame you endure is concocted in your own mind or whispered from the Deceiver.

You can learn how to overcome shame and be free. Read that post and/or contact us. We will help you journey to shame-free living where there is healing and peace.

Trust in Jesus. He is the way, the truth, and the life. The truth shall set you free!