Category: Forgiveness and Faith

God Deserves More than Your Devotional

Posted on by Mindy

“Praise the Lord! I will praise the Lord with my whole heart, in the assembly of the upright and in the congregation. The works of the Lord are great, studied by all who have pleasure in them.”
Psalm 111:1–2

There are two things in these verses that every believer must take to heart:

1. We Are Called to Praise God in the Congregation

The psalmist makes no secret of his intent he is praising God not in private solitude, but “in the assembly of the upright and in the congregation.” In other words, with the people of God.

This is where our praise belongs. Not just alone in our prayer closets (though that’s good too), but together, in unity and shared devotion. Something powerful happens when we gather and lift our voices in unison to worship the Lord. Have you ever been to a concert where the band stops singing, and the entire crowd takes over the song? It’s moving. Multiply that by heaven. When God’s people gather and lift their voices in one accord, we rock the heavens. God hears it and is pleased.

Yet I hear too often:
“I don’t go to church anymore.”
“I love God, but I can’t deal with Christians.”
“I just stream a sermon at home.”

Let’s be honest this isn’t okay. God has commanded us to assemble, to praise Him together with our whole hearts. If you’re a believer, your place is in the Body, not watching from the sidelines. Don’t forsake the gift and power of the gathered Church. We need each other. God designed it this way.

2. The Works of the Lord Are to Be Studied, Not Sampled

Psalm 111:2 makes it plain:
“The works of the Lord are great, studied by all who have pleasure in them.”

Too many believers settle for second-rate spiritual meals. We snack on devotionals and Christian quotes while our Bibles collect dust. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a devotional but let’s be honest about what it is.

A typical devotional:

  • One Bible verse (maybe two)
  • A paragraph or two of someone else’s commentary
  • A short prayer

That means, percentagewise, we’re giving about 5% of our attention to God’s actual Word, and the remaining 95% to another person’s thoughts. That’s not devotion. That’s outsourcing your relationship with God.

Would you tell a wife to stop speaking directly to her husband and only hear about him through his best friend? No! That marriage wouldn’t last.

So why do we approach God that way?

We must go straight to His Word. If we want to know what He thinks, what He feels, who He is we study the Bible. We dig into it, delight in it, meditate on it. The works of the Lord are great, studied by all who have pleasure in them.

And here’s the good news: When you begin to study His works, you will take pleasure in them. It is the natural outcome of a heart set on His Word. You will be transformed. You will be renewed. Psalm 119:9 reminds us:
“How can a man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word.”

So, What Now?

If you’ve drifted from the gathering of the saints…come back.
If you’ve replaced your Bible with bite-sized devos…open the Word.
If you’ve grown lukewarm in praise…lift your voice again.

Your life depends on it.

Let’s be a people who praise with our whole hearts together and who treasure the Word above all else.

Because He is worthy.

The Blessing In The Struggle

Posted on by Mindy

If you’re in the middle of a struggle right now and you’re seeking God, clinging to His truth, leaning on His Word but still can’t seem to see your way forward, do not despair. If God is with you, then you are in the best and safest place you can be.

Struggles come from many places. Sometimes they’re the result of our own sin and poor choices. Other times they stem from circumstances beyond our control. But whatever the cause, don’t abandon the struggle in search of an easier way. Reject the cheap comforts, the numbing habits, and the false security of coping mechanisms. Be in the struggle. Because if God has led you here, He has something for you in it.

Genesis 32:22–32 tells the story of Jacob, returning to the land promised to his father and grandfather. He was afraid. His brother Esau, whom he had deceived long ago, was coming to meet him. That night, Jacob found himself wrestling with a Man, who we now understand to be the Lord Himself. They wrestled all night. God could have stopped the match, spoken a word of truth, and left it at that. But He didn’t. He let Jacob wrestle.

And in the end, Jacob cried out for a blessing. We don’t know exactly what was in his heart in that moment, but if you’ve ever wrestled with God’s truth, desperate for transformation, you understand. “Lord, make me different.” Jacob, the deceiver, the manipulator, was changed that night. His name, his direction, his heart. He walked away wounded, yes, but also blessed, transformed, and made new.

Whether your struggle is of your own making or the result of life’s cruelty, know this: God desires to bless you with new life. That’s why Jesus came. He died on your behalf because He knows you can’t make yourself right. Only His blood can cover your shame. Only His grace can set you free.

Call out to Him. Acknowledge your sin. Invite Him to rule your life.

“The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy.” – Psalm 145:8

Don’t run from the wrestle. Embrace the struggle. God meets us there.

Breaking the Silence: Healing After Abortion in the Light of Christ

Posted on by Jenny Foster

By Jenny Foster

Abortion—a word that, when spoken, creates discomfort for most. Reading the word just now, how does it make you feel? If you are one of the millions of women who have experienced abortion, are you able to say the word out loud? Have you told anyone about your abortion or abortions? If not, please take heart because many women take this painful secret to the grave, carrying the weight of it alone, in silence, in secrecy, in shame. Countless women don’t begin to process their feelings about a past abortion for ten, twenty, or even thirty years or more. For nearly twenty years, I couldn’t.

Sharing your story with someone takes courage and can feel terrifying. Everyone’s talking about abortion on the news, but is there meaningful discourse in the smaller communities composed of our friends, family, neighbors, or coworkers, let alone our churches and faith communities? Unfortunately, the silence is deafening. 

It is widely accepted that one in four women has experienced an abortion. Estimates hover around 73 million abortions performed worldwide every year, and this does not include unreported abortions.1 This equates to 200,000 abortions per day, impacting women, men, families, and society. This is a significant segment of the population moving through our communities. Have you found church a safe place to share your journey or seek healing resources? Are American pastors regularly talking about abortion and abortion healing resources? While friends and family have all met me with love and compassion, reflecting on my church experience over the last twenty-five years, the answer remains a resounding no. 

Why is there a shroud of silence over the topic of helping people heal from the impact of abortion? We have excellent support groups and resources for divorce care, grief and loss, addiction recovery, feeding programs for the hungry, and much more, but why are so few churches and religious institutions willing to engage on the topic of abortion healing? I empathize with church leadership, as abortion is a difficult topic that is complex to navigate and may pose a risk that the church might be viewed as aligning with one side of the issue or the other. The heartbreaking reality is that when churches are silent on abortion, as many as four in ten women in the pews interpret the silence as an unspoken directive to keep their abortion a secret.2

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 (NIV) We have a real enemy who loves to keep people stuck in the bondage of silence, secrecy, and shame. Many women share that they felt pressure from society to have an abortion, only to feel abandoned and on their own to deal with any aftereffects. From a spiritual perspective, consider the times the devil whispers over people to participate in something tempting or potentially unsafe, but once someone has said yes, Satan quickly switches sides to become our accuser.

Once a woman has an abortion, it’s in the past. Judgment achieves nothing positive, while love and compassion are the surest way to help wounded hearts. Abortion often comes with unspoken consequences for the mother, father, and families for years to come. Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS) is recognized as a pattern of symptoms like PTSD that can affect many post-abortive women. Symptoms include depression, anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, being detached or overly protective of future children, substance abuse, relational difficulties, and more. While I hope these symptoms aren’t familiar to you, please know you are not alone. 

As Christians, we have the faith, hope, and love of a savior who died for all people and all sins. Accepting the forgiveness of God after an abortion can be incredibly difficult. Even if abortion-wounded hearts come to accept the forgiveness of our merciful Savior, many refuse to forgive themselves. From a biblical perspective, it’s essential to ask ourselves what’s fueling our resistance to forgive ourselves. Jesus approached the hurting, the broken, and the sinful with love and compassion. While he told them to repent and turn away, Jesus did not use shame. 

“When church leadership is silent on abortion, as many as four in ten women in the pews interpret the silence as an unspoken directive to keep their abortion a secret.”

If you are considering seeking help from the pain or aftereffects of abortion, there are many books, websites, resources, retreats, and online and in-person classes available that are confidential and emotionally safe. I’ve been honored to meet with organizations around the world who are helping women and families find the peace and freedom that is possible through Christ Jesus. While the church may often seem silent on this tender topic, time and again, I see their hearts immediately pivot to compassion as soon as they are informed that someone is struggling and in need of help.

As a woman who had an abortion, out of the deepest pain in my life, God continues the redemptive work of allowing me to help other women find a safe and confidential community built on the acceptance, love, and healing modeled by Jesus. Let us be guided by what Jesus would do. He approached the hurting, the broken, and the sinful with love and compassion. At An Even Place, we are passionate about providing healing from the emotional pain of abortion through Bible studies and group support. With love, compassion, and confidentiality, our goal is to journey along with women as they move out of silence and shame and into the freedom found in the light of Jesus. 

If you aren’t ready to take a class, please consider engaging our website at An Even Place. Our caring and trustworthy staff members can listen and help you take your next step toward healing and freedom. We care about you and are praying for your courage in the journey to renewed peace and joy.

As an author and abortion recovery leader, Jenny Foster is passionate about meeting hurting hearts with love and compassion. She shares the hope and forgiveness found in Christ with those seeking healing and freedom. You can reach Jenny at jennyfoster@anevenplace.com.  

1 https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/abortion

2 https://care-net.org/churches-blog/new-survey-women-go-silently-from-church-to-abortion-clinic/

Why Didn’t God Stop Me From Having An Abortion?

Posted on by Mindy L

The “Why didn’t God stop me from having an abortion?” question is often asked by those who know that God is sovereign over all things. And when the question is asked, it is because God knew that.

  1. The abortion of my baby would lead to depression and possibly suicidal ideation and attempts.
  2. The abortion would leave me sterile and unable to become pregnant again or contribute to other physical health injuries/issues.
  3. The abortion would have a negative impact on my relationship with the father of my baby or would destroy my relationship with the father of my baby.
  4. Thoughts of my abortion would lead me to becoming addicted to (fill in the blank) in order to numb the pain.
  5. My relationship with subsequent children would be affected by my abortion.
  6. My abortion would lead to feelings of guilt and shame.
  7. My abortion would leave me overwhelmed with grief over the loss of my child….

Because God is sovereign and knows everything that will take place after a woman aborts her baby, it becomes easy to see him as a tyrant in this situation. After all, God is all powerful and all knowing, and he is supposed to care about people and want what is best for them. Aborting the baby may have solved the immediate issue of an unplanned pregnancy, but the fallout was just as unplanned.

Often when the question is asked, there is no consideration of the ways God may have tried to intervene to stop the abortion. As we look at the ways in which God has worked when it comes to the death of another, we do not see a clear pattern unfolding. The very first death recorded in the Bible was Cain killing his brother Abel. God did not stop it. But he warned Cain in Genesis 4:7 (ESV) before it happened that “…sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it.”  (Emphasis mine). Or, how about the edict of the Pharaoh in Egypt that called for the killing of the male babies of the Hebrews, but the life of Moses was spared when the midwives did not do as ordered. And even Moses, whose life was spared, would end up killing an Egyptian. 

Sure, God could have spoken in a loud audible voice and say “STOP! DON’T KILL YOUR BABY!” He could have encouraged the baby’s father to plead with the mother not to go through with the abortion, knowing it would have made all the difference in the world. He could have shut down the abortion clinic knowing it would be impossible for the woman to go elsewhere. There are many miraculous interventions that could have kept a woman from going through with the abortion. But how many of the non-miraculous ways did God use to warn against abortion that were ignored? What about 

    • I know this is wrong and I should not go through with it.
    • The waiting period that allowed for a change of mind.
    • The cost.
    • The pro-life signs and advocates imploring against it.

There are no clear answers to why God did not stop a woman from having an abortion. But God, in his sovereignty, was not surprised when she went through with it. 

It is clear though that God does love and care for people, even those who abort their children. He demonstrated his care by sending his son to pay the penalty for the sins of all humankind. Before the first person walked the earth, God planned the death of his son to forgive humankind of their sin (including abortion) and save them from eternal punishment for sin. So, when we consider that he did not spare his own son from death, we really should hesitate to question why he did not stop an abortion. Also, it cannot be overlooked that all humankind has been given free will by God to choose to do or not to do something. While it is easy to shift the blame to God when he could have stopped an abortion (or any other wrong for that matter), ultimately, the responsibility lies with humankind who can choose to stop an abortion.

Thank you for taking the time to read this article written specifically for those healing from abortion. Sometimes, an abortion experience can create intense emotions that you may not feel equipped to manage on your own. If you are new to a healing journey or want to talk to an experienced advocate, please visit

https://www.memorialfortheunborn.org/resources/healing-programs. If you are thinking or planning to harm yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) for immediate help.

National Memorial for the Unborn

Restoring Motherhood after Abortion

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Abortion takes from us not just a pregnancy, but often our motherhood.  Many of us are left feeling that we are no longer worthy or able to become mothers. We struggle being around the babies of our friends. We skip the showers. We ignore Mother’s Day. We have repeat abortions.

“…no longer worthy or able…”

Men also experience this fallout.  My college partner told me years after “our” abortion that he never felt he could be a father because he had “failed”.

If we are not able to get pregnant after abortion, the mantra plays in our heads, “I would not have been a good mother anyway.”

“I’m not a good mom”

If we have other children, the mantra plays, “I’m not a good mom” or “I have to prove I’m a good mom by ….”  It colors our mothering with regret and fear and wondering about how the lost child would have compared to and related to our living children. We even can fear that God will get even with us by allowing something bad to happen to our other children.

Don’t let your abortions rob you of mothering your future children, your current children, and even the other children in your life. With healing, God can replace in our hearts the ability to nurture and love little ones freely and well without guilt or pain.  To pour ourselves into the next generation. And in that selfless sacrifice comes joy at seeing lives grow and thrive.

“The journey of healing…”

The journey of healing after abortion is painful for most of us, but the sooner you begin, the less impact the trauma of abortion will have on your life and family. Recovery from abortion includes walking through both guilt and grief.  We must squarely face what we chose, why we chose, and how it impacted us and others.  Don’t make this journey alone.  There are many of us that have walked it before and found healing and peace.

“…grieve the loss of YOUR children…”

One of the keys to restoring your motherhood is to grieve the loss of YOUR children – unique individuals – lost to abortion. Give them dignity and honor. Grief, while painful, leads to closure. Say hello, and then say goodbye for now.

A special task given to mothers and fathers is to choose a name for their children. Naming your children lost to abortion helps give them personhood, acknowledges their existence and that they are a part of your family. The National Memorial for the Unborn, MemorialForTheUnborn.org, provides one way to honor them by placing their name on a permanent wall.

“…silenced by truth…”

When we can accept our role as mother to our lost children, then we are released to mother other children well out of a place of healing, forgiveness and the wholeness God offers us in Jesus. The lies in our heads about not being good mothers will be silenced by truth. We will be free to love.

One lady who went through a recovery group with me recently had two abortions, never had other children, and throughout the study repeated that she just “wasn’t into kids” and could never have been a good mother. Several months later she told me that for the first time ever she had celebrated being a mother on Mother’s Day.  The new joy and peace in her face was beautiful.

“Restoring motherhood stolen…”

Motherhood is not about biology – it is about love. Restoring motherhood stolen by abortion is not about our bodies – it is about our hearts.

We cannot take back our choice to have an abortion, 

but we can take back our choice not to love our children 

and make room in our hearts for them.

Many great resources and people are available to help you through this healing journey.  Don’t let abortion isolate you. You are not alone. There are others who have made this journey and found wholeness and yes, even joy. Reach out today by clicking the resources button on this site.

by Linda Keener Thomas

National Memorial for the Unborn

MemorialForTheUnborn.org

I’ve Been Through Abortion Healing, Why is this Bothering Me Now?

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First, let us acknowledge that our abortions never go away. They are a fact in our life story that shaped subsequent actions and decisions. Abortion recovery programs play a pivotal role in helping women and men, but they do not erase abortion from our past or our future.

Natural Consequences 

A retreat or a group can’t protect us from unintended consequences as a result of an abortion decision. Often it is these unforeseen circumstances that cause us to question our healing. For many, the initial sense of relief after the abortion masks these realities: 

    • If the parents are in a relationship at the time of the abortion, statistically, that relationship will end. 
    • According to the Guttmacher Institute, 50% of women will go on to have multiple abortions. 
    • Studies in Finland and research by the Elliot Institute indicate that women who have had abortions are at greater risk of depression and suicide than women who carry their pregnancies. 

Regardless of future marital status or healing programs, other realities come into focus: 

    • Your parents are missing a grandchild; your aunts and uncles are missing another niece or nephew; and the number of cousins will be fewer by one. You are missing a child and possibly future grandchildren
    • She will think often about the child and with each passing year make a mental note of the anniversary of the abortion or the baby’s due date. She will think about how old the child would have been. 
    • If he wanted the baby, but she didn’t, he had a profound sense of helplessness when he had no legal right to challenge the procedure. This can result in lingering frustration and grief at the loss of the child. 
    • Having other children, or never having children, can be a painful reminder of lost fatherhood and lost motherhood. 

Our abortion decision is the stone thrown into the pond that has ripple effects on us and our future. 

Abortion is a loss 

The reality of abortion is that it is a significant physical, emotional, and spiritual loss. 

Grief over the death of a family member or dear friend dims over time but we continue to love that person, think of them, and reflect on our relationship with them. We are supported in that grief and subsequent healing by others who know the person or recognize the importance of that person to us.  

Yet, after more than 66 million abortions in the United States since 1973, our culture doesn’t recognize the death of an aborted child or the pain of the parents as significant. People who choose abortion are told to get through it, get over it, and move on. 

Through healing programs, we are encouraged to grieve, acknowledge our children, and memorialize them. After completing those programs, we often try to shut the door to that part of our lives and assume we are done. It isn’t realistic to believe you will never think about that child again or the circumstances that led to the abortion decision. 

Triggers 

A trigger is a thing, a person, or a situation that takes you back to your abortion experience(s). Triggers vary in scope and impact. They can evoke sadness, frustration, and anger. They also can threaten your sense of well-being and make you question everything you accomplished through your after-abortion healing work. 

A person’s list of triggers is as individual as the person herself/himself. A trigger can be seeing a mother and baby together; it can be an odor like the disinfectant at the abortion clinic; it can be overhearing someone (especially in church) say, “I don’t understand how anyone could have an abortion.” A family member or friend who is a vocal pro-abortion champion and unaware of your experience can be a trigger. Divisive conversation about abortion in the media is triggering. 

Reacting to a trigger does not mean your healing never happened or has gone away. Sylvia Blakely, Founder of Arise Daughter, believes triggers have a purpose: “Let that unexpected trigger help you to walk through the next open door. God is waiting there with the answers to the questions that you are only now ready to ask and have answers to. I can testify to the fact that the trigger won’t magically go away; you and Holy Spirit will have to partner on the healing.” 

Remember 

Time goes by and we forget the “aha” moments in our program(s) that opened the door to our healing. What was it about that particular word or truth that changed you? Do you meditate on the scriptures that helped you know, down to your bones, that God forgives you and that your sin is removed as far as the East is from the West? 

If an old grudge or hurt related to your abortion(s) monopolizes your thoughts, there may be someone you need to forgive or forgive again. Have the conversation, write the letter (the kind you don’t mail), and take every thought captive. 

Our enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Do not let negative thoughts chip away at your healing. Reread Ephesians 6:10-18. 

Seek Community 

Remember the overwhelming relief you felt (after the fear subsided) when you first shared your story in a safe setting? 

In her groundbreaking book, Forbidden Grief, Dr. Theresa Burke stresses the importance of community in our healing. “The importance of social support to the grief process reflects an important aspect of our human nature: Though we are individuals, we are inescapably social beings. The lack of social support will degrade or destroy our well-being. Conversely, the experience of social support, in even a single relationship, can strengthen our well-being.” 

Our need for community doesn’t end when the group is over. It is freedom to talk with a person, or a group, who shares your experience. Seek out an aftercare program. They are becoming more available for women; and for men. These drop-in sessions, in person or on Zoom, provide an outlet for sharing and listening about setbacks and victories in the healing process. It will remind you that you are not alone.

Learning the breadth and depth of God’s word doesn’t occur in a weekly service or meeting. It takes study and prayer overtime to comprehend God’s love and plan for our lives. Likewise, it takes a lifetime to fully understand the impact of abortion on our lives and the immeasurable love and mercy of God that He extends to us at each advance and each regression in our healing. He is with you!

Cindy Violet

Pregnancy Decision Health Centers

https://www.abortionrecoveryinfo.org/

I Never Thought About Abortion as an Option.

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I experienced an unplanned pregnancy in my second year of college. Although it was a shock, I honestly felt a little excited about the potential of this little life and the life I could have with my significant other. I didn’t even really see it as a “problem” until he responded that I should have an abortion. I never even thought of abortion! But he wouldn’t even consider the thought of a child, or for that matter, our future and this child. I was so confused. I immediately felt such a disconnect in our relationship and my ability to communicate with him. We didn’t talk thoroughly about anything because he just kept mentioning abortion, which completely shut me down. There was no love or concern for me, for my feelings, or for our baby, I felt alone.

As time went on, I felt so rejected, almost as if I had no option. I’m not fully sure why I felt like I had lost my voice. I was a strong, independent, (and honestly a bit unruly and mouthy) young woman. But this was something I was unprepared for, something not even on my grid. I felt frozen and unable to process what was happening because everything was moving so quickly. I was paralyzed by fear. Will I be alone? Can I even raise a child? How will my friends and teachers view me? What will my family think? Will I ever get married and have a normal life? Where will the money come from? Can I finish school?

The baby I was carrying suddenly began to feel like a threat. A threat to my current life and to what I wanted in the future. Or what I thought I wanted. In all the confusion and rejection, I thought about abortion as an option for the first time. What was once a firm no, went to a consideration. Although I never really discussed abortion with anyone or thought it fully through, I innately felt it wasn’t right. I knew it was a baby, but it seemed in that moment of consideration I didn’t allow myself to connect to my baby anymore. I no longer allowed myself to envision a baby in my future. It seemed as if it was a quick escape from all that was screaming at me. It was a solution that promised to eliminate this “threat” I was feeling and “get my life back to normal”.

How did this surprise that brought me a glimpse of joy turn into such a dark and dreaded place? I couldn’t shake the dread and fear about continuing the pregnancy and ultimately decided to have a surgical abortion. It was a quick, but very painful procedure. When it was over, I immediately felt loss and regret. I cried myself to sleep and cried out to God to forgive me. Why did I only talk to God then? Oh, how I wished I would have talked to him before this awful day.

I lived many years with an awful pit on the inside of my stomach. I didn’t view myself or the world around me the same. It eventually came to the place where I couldn’t avoid it anymore, I was stuck in addiction and having major depression. Finally, I ran to church. It was the only place I knew to go. I slowly began to heal and to have hope! After several years on this new journey with God, someone encouraged me to go to a healing program specifically for women who had an abortion in their past. I entered a small group with four other women. I still remember starting that group. I was terrified.

I was letting others see the worst part of me and asking them to love me anyway. Hoping that they would see past that awful ugliness and just give me a chance to explain. But the reality is, I didn’t truly have any excuse that would make it or me look or feel any better. It was the scariest and most sacred place I have ever been. We spent many weeks together crying, praying, sharing our anger, our sadness, our guilt and our regret with one another. We walked back through our painful memories so we could allow God and each other into those places and heal. It was holy ground, a place that only God could help heal. What took place there has marked me forever. I’m not that rejected broken woman anymore. I know a God who loves and is for me. I have a new perspective that allows me to see the beauty of what is right before me and the faith for things I don’t yet see. I have an expectation of good things for myself and for others.

If you are broken from abortion, I want to say I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry you didn’t receive the support you needed. I’m so sorry you felt rejected or abandoned in your time of need. I’m sorry no one ever told you the truth about abortion. I’m so sorry you are feeling alone and like you can’t imagine this awful pain ever going away. I know that awful pain and despair. But let me extend my faith to you right now, you can get through this. And not just get through it, but you can thrive and have joy again. You can have hope for your future and still have a life that you can be proud of.

I know it’s scary but reach out today and join a group. You will be encouraged, equipped, and most importantly, you will be in community with others who are feeling the same way. You were never meant to do this alone!

For information on groups visit https://heartbeats.org/abortion/after-abortion-support/

To register or to speak with someone email Melissa and Janice at healing@heartbeats.org or call 740.327.0601. We will get back with you during regular business hours.

All services are no cost. 

Can Abortion Result in Trauma?

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As an abortion healing provider one of the biggest challenges we face is the acknowledgement by mainstream society that an abortion decision creates lasting impact on the person who makes that decision. While relief may be the first emotion felt, sometimes quickly or days, weeks or months later a greater sense of regret and grief sets in. Sometimes even the realization that physically one’s body may never be the same.

We recognize that this regret and grief is tremendously complex and often stretches far before the abortion decision was made. The reality that many people are not protected and cared for growing up, that they are exposed to addictions and harmful environments too young, and that abuse and neglect are rampant in our culture play a part in harmful decisions made as they mature. We are more than the sum of one decision and our emotions, and thought processes are set in motion based on the totality of our life choices and experiences.

We say all this to say, we recognize that symptoms experienced after an abortion are likely not completely related to the abortion decision, but are often triggered by the abortion due to past trauma, abuse and neglect. When a woman or man makes the decision to abort they are most often not informed of the vast impact on their minds, bodies and emotions. 

A decision that is widely advertised as a solution that then leads to negative and difficult emotions is confusing at best. Then when those negative effects set in, those experiencing them are not given education and resources to turn to to process them. If anything they are being gaslit into believing that all their struggles must be from a past mental illness and are not being triggered by their decision.

So what is trauma? Our best definition is:

Trauma is a lasting emotional response to a distressing or life-threatening event that can have adverse effects on a person’s well-being. Traumatic events can be a single incident or an ongoing experience that’s difficult to cope with or out of a person’s control.

It’s important to know there are differing opinions in the mental health field as to what can result in trauma.. 

    • First, the field of diagnosing and treating trauma did not start until the 1970s after Vietnam War veterans began to exhibit symptoms that were later defined as trauma. Since the understanding of trauma initially focused on war veterans, it has taken many years for the mental health field as whole to acknowledge the many other events and situations that can result in trauma. Some organizations and professionals have been slow to accept this broader understanding of trauma. 
    • Second, many mental health professionals and organizations are specialized so they often understand and explain mental health phenomena through their specialized lens which makes it hard for them to adapt their understanding. 
    • Finally, and tragically, empirical data and valid science is distorted or ignored for monetary, cultural or political reasons. Over the years, conditions have been added and removed from the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) based purely on shifts in culture and the worldview of the DSM committee.     

These three observations provide a sliver of insight as to why some mental health organizations and many individual practitioners do not consider having an abortion experience as a common cause of trauma. 

The individuals and organizations that have been helping women, men and families with abortion experiences have no doubt as to the connection between abortion and trauma. A study conducted by Support After Abortion found that 34% of women suffer “adverse impacts” like anger, shame and regret from medication abortions.”  

Thankfully, there appears to be a slow shift towards a more accurate assessment of abortion-related trauma even from some government mental health organizations such as The National Institutes of Health.  Additionally, “a meta-study in the British Journal of Psychology analyzed 22 studies involving 877,181 women, 163,831 of whom had experienced an abortion, and found that women who had undergone abortion were 81% more likely to suffer from mental health problems, including alcohol and drug abuse, anxiety, depression, and suicide (17).   

We know the debate will continue. Our goal and our job is to provide a safe, validating, and  non-judgemental environment for women and men to process their trauma as it relates to their abortions. Through this, we pray many will feel confident to share their stories and lead others into a healing space as well. 

Written by:

Found & Woven: Hope After Abortion

(816) 847-2911

www.foundandwoven.com

1 See “Women’s Research Study and White Paper” on Support After Abortion’s website: https://supportafterabortion.com/resources/research/women/

 2 See https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10312394/

 3 https://supportafterabortion.com/resources/research/women/

How Abortion Affects A Marriage

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For the purposes of this article, let’s assume that abortion DOES affect a marriage. 

Let’s dive in to explore how marriage is impacted by abortion, based on our personal abortion experience. We’ll look at both the wife (Debbie) and husband (Tim) perspectives, including broken trust, unresolved grief, shame and others. 

We recognize that many couples are impacted in other areas after abortion, and a future marriage can be affected when the wife or husband has experienced an abortion prior to the current relationship. However, we chose to focus on our own struggles.

Our abortion story

Debbie

I grew up in a stable Christian home with loving parents and two sisters in IL. My life revolved around playing multiple sports, church activities and studies in school. I’m thankful to have avoided many of the pitfalls young women fall into during the teen years, by staying focused on God and having a strong family. You could call me “the good girl.”

Tim and I met shortly after we both graduated from high school, fell in love and were engaged within 9 months, knowing we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together.

Staying pure until marriage was a strong moral value I held in my heart.

I was blessed to land a full ride basketball scholarship to a Division I school in IN for my junior and senior years of college. Tim had been living in Mississippi for a few months for work. Because of the difficulties involved with pursuing a long-distance relationship, we decided I would move from IL to MS for the summer, before heading to college in August.

We set ourselves up for failure by not planning better living arrangements, and it didn’t take long for our relationship to go to a level we weren’t prepared for.

Several weeks before I was to head back to school, I heard those fateful words, “Congratulations, you’re pregnant.”

We were both paralyzed with fear.

“What will everyone back home think about us…about me? Our families, pastors, friends, teammates? My parents will be so disappointed. I could lose my scholarship, my education…my reputation.”

Together, we chose abortion, believing the lie that no one would ever have to know about our pre-marital sex, the pregnancy, or the abortion…and believing this was our only option.

How did abortion affect me and our marriage?

Broken trust: I trusted Tim to protect me. That what we were doing sexually was safe. The foundation of trust that healthy relationships are built upon was fractured before we said, “I do.” Later, I struggled to trust Tim for even minor decisions. While I tried to hide my lack of trust, it didn’t take long for Tim to realize this, which undermined his authority as the head of the household and his identity.

Secrecy: We never talked about the experience again, or how it was impacting us individually. We told no one. We both buried the secret deep in our hearts.

Dishonesty: Because we were unwilling to honestly share our feelings, our grief, the heaviness of the shame, we kept the happy face mask on when in public, and even with each other.

Unresolved grief: We got married the summer after the abortion. 

Our first pregnancy as a married couple ended in miscarriage. All the sorrow, shame and condemnation of the enemy came rushing to the surface, as the enemy taunted me with lies. “This is the punishment you deserve. God is mad at you. He will never give you another child.” 

Sadly, I internalized and carried those false beliefs, not once sharing how I felt or processing my grief. 

Shame: I was so ashamed of myself for not having more discipline to keep our relationship pure before God. I felt like a moral failure. Then, add the abortion on top of that, something I NEVER even thought about. The intense feeling of letting God down was a deep and painful wound. Yet, I didn’t open up to Him about it, or anyone else. 

Unworthiness: Shame led to feelings of unworthiness, like I didn’t deserve anything good from God, Tim or others. It was hard for me to receive, even gifts or compliments from Tim. 

Early in our marriage, I remember him getting me a nice outfit for my birthday. I found out how much he spent and returned it to the store because I thought he spent too much money. To Tim, that was like a slap in the face.

Unforgiveness: I did eventually believe God forgave me. But, I hadn’t truly forgiven Tim, or myself, which led to anger, bitterness and resentment. These gradually seeped out in my behavior, attitude and tone toward Tim.

Unrealistic expectations: I had emotional and spiritual needs, and I looked to my husband to meet every one. 

For years, I often thought I didn’t need women friends. I have Tim, and that’s all I need (sounds a little like codependency). I now realize that I didn’t want to get too close to anyone as a way of protecting my secret pain and true feelings. 

When Tim didn’t/couldn’t fulfill my expectations, I became angry, resentful, and confused.

Wedge: After several years, there was this “thing” that I couldn’t put my finger on between Tim and me. A wedge that began with a small sliver between us. But with each unmet expectation, disappointment, or disagreement, the wedge was tapped in a little farther.

Fear: Not only was fear a major factor in making the abortion decision, but I also carried an undercurrent of fear in my heart and mind afterward. Fear of people finding out, of what people think about me, of disappointing others, of not being perfect.

People-pleaser: Due to these fears, I worked hard to please everybody. I served on committees at church, was VBS director, Sunday School teacher, Board member, nursery worker. Saying NO was hard for me. I often put other people ahead of myself, my husband, and sometimes our kids, which left Tim feeling like low man on the totem pole.

Controlling parent: While others turn to drugs, alcohol, sex or other addictions to cope with abortion, control became my addiction. After not feeling in control of the situation surrounding the abortion, I longed to stay in control in every facet of my life. 

As we raised our first three children, I felt like I had to be the perfect mom and expected my kids to be perfect. Again, unrealistic expectations. Tim is laid back and patient, so me trying to control the kids (and him) created more issues between us. 

Difficulty with intimacy: Over time, intimacy became difficult for me. I felt like I couldn’t fully give myself to Tim. The weight of the shame, unworthiness, and unforgiveness in my heart numbed me, and created a distance between us. At our lowest point, we were basically co-existing in the same house, keeping up with the kids, but showing no affection.

Spiritually: Anytime sin is hidden, buried and not confessed, it impacts our relationship with God. He loved me the same. But my sin, and the aftereffects, drew me away from Him, further damaging my identity in Him, my purpose, and perspective of Him. 

While teaching our children about God, I was not receiving or walking in the fullness of the love of God for myself. It’s hard to give away what we do not have ourselves. I was spiritually malnourished, all while going to church every Sunday and Wednesday night and doing all the things. Ever heard the saying, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? The entire family was impacted.

Tim

I grew up the youngest of 8 children, 5 boys and 3 girls, in a Christian home. My father was a preacher. We were poor but didn’t know it. I grew up between Illinois and Tennessee having success in sports and enjoying my youth in the early 1980’s. I grew up knowing Jesus but continuing to take Him for granted. Knowing to do right but choosing to follow my own will for my life. I’m thankful God showed me grace and mercy to see me through.

How did abortion affect me and our marriage?

Trust Broken – as Debbie and I became closer and knew the plans we had to be married, in my mind I justified my decisions. She trusted me to keep her safe and that I would not lead us into bad situations and decisions. I broke her trust and the results of that was pregnancy of our first child and the abortion. With the Lord’s help and forgiveness every day, I try to restore the trust and be better than the day before with Jesus.

No Communication – After our abortion, Debbie and I were trying to get along with our lives like nothing ever happened. We never talked about the abortion and that led to not really talking deeply about anything, and which is not good in a marriage.

Feeling like I’m not good enough – Afterward, I always had feelings of self-doubt and never being good enough. This was a total turnaround from my life before the abortion. Because of my success in sports, I always had everyone telling me how great I was, and that I was good enough that I could do whatever I wanted. My decision to have an abortion broke something in me as I struggled to find purpose and meaning.

Never able to reconcile it – I believe this to be one of the toughest things to deal with as a man who has participated in an abortion…that I can do nothing about it. Once you make that decision and follow through, it’s done forever. When reality finally hit me that I can never in myself make this right, it broke me. It wasn’t until I let Jesus heal me and restore me that I was able to move forward.

Can’t fix it – Can’t fix my wife – As men, many of us pride ourselves in being able to fix things. I struggled as I took the responsibility to try and fix my wife. I knew I had disappointed her and hurt her, and I wanted to do whatever she wanted and whatever I could to fix her. Many years later, I realized I was not responsible for my wife’s decisions or anyone else’s, and that I just can’t fix some things. Only God is the master fixer, the only one who can.

Can’t go back and make it right – This is what breaks my heart. This is the thorn in my side, the prod that keeps me going. To know that I can’t go back and stop it all. To stop my carnal cravings and control my desire and impulses for my fiancé until the right time. To stop the abortion of my son, Thomas, and save his life. And to stop all the pain and hurt that followed. As I think of these things, it drives me on to help others. To make myself available for Jesus to use to help others see the truth, before they make an abortion decision.   

How did we find healing?

Too often abortion steals life, marriage, family, and legacy. Sadly, most relationships, whether married or not, end after experiencing the trauma of abortion. 

By the grace of God, our story has a happy ending! He was the glue that held us together those first 10 years of our marriage. We are thrilled to give Him all the glory as we celebrated our 37th anniversary this month!

We are forever grateful to the Lord for walking with us through those difficult years; for blessing us with two more amazing children (5 total); for restoring our relationship with Him and with each other; for washing away the shame and heaviness, healing our hearts, comforting us as we grieved, setting us free from our past; for calling us to open a pregnancy help center in IL, and anointing us for abortion recovery ministry.

Through healing in other areas of my life recently, like codependency, I’ve realized that many of the issues I struggled with after the abortion, were present before I even met Tim. Like the trust issues and being a people pleaser. I now realize my insecurities fed into the abortion decision.

Romans 8:28 NIV “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

He truly has taken what the enemy meant for evil and destruction and is using our journey as His instruments of grace for healing. 

Debbie & Tim Shultz

Embracing Grace After Abortion

www.DebbieAndTimShultz.com

Confidence and Life

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Proverbs 14:26-27

In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place a of refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death.

As a child of God, my confidence is not in myself; it is in my God. When doubts threaten -doubts produce death because they lead me away from God. I run to the fountain of living water where every good and precious gift is waiting: strength, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, direction, and assurance.

My God is my refuge.

My God is my life.

I fear separation from Him.

I fear disappointing Him.

I fear Him; He is holy.

He is my God, full of majesty and glorious splendor.

My Lord gives me strong confidence and life to run the race He has mapped out for me. My Lord keeps me from the snares of death.

My confidence is in God!