By Jenny Foster

• Did you or someone you know have an abortion for medical reasons? 
• Did medical providers avoid using the word “abortion” or call the termination of your pregnancy therapeutic or “the compassionate choice”?
• Did your unborn baby receive a devastating prenatal diagnosis?

If you answered yes to any of these or to similar questions, please know that you have my sincere and heartfelt condolences. Losing a pregnancy at any stage, whether a planned or unplanned pregnancy, is exactly that—loss. If no one ever acknowledged that you once carried life and had to say goodbye to your unborn baby, please hear my words written here. 

Whether you’ve gone on to have living children or not, you are a mother. You were chosen by God to be a nurturing vessel for life, no matter how long your unborn baby lived in your womb. Both life and motherhood begin at conception. You were faced with one of the most painful decisions possible in this life, and you survived because you are strong. 

Whether you walked through a medically advised abortion within the last year or thirty years ago, it was likely terrifying to learn that doctors suspected your baby had a life-limiting diagnosis or syndrome deemed to be incompatible with life. Some examples include genetic disorders like Down’s Syndrome and other Trisomy disorders, heart defects, anencephaly, as well as spinal cord and other anatomical abnormalities. Fetal development is incredibly complex, and when all goes as planned, it’s truly a miracle. With our advanced technology, we can detect any number of adverse findings in utero quite early, and there are many things that may give neonatal specialists cause for concern. Perhaps you faced a serious maternal condition that threatened your life. Ectopic pregnancies fall into this type of reproductive loss, but are rarely acknowledged as a loss. 

To the sweet mother or father reading this, please know that this was my story twenty-six years ago. When I imagine someone reading this blog, all I want to do is reach out from behind my laptop monitor and hug you from a place of knowing. After you walked through the trauma of abortion, did you read everything you could find on the topic of reproductive grief and loss, or did you bury the pain so deep that you remain in a place of denial to this day? 

I’ve had the honor of talking with many families over the years who have suffered pregnancy loss for medical reasons, and one of the things I often hear is something I found myself saying in the early years after my abortion. “I didn’t have an abortion. It was a medical diagnosis, and this was the only choice I was given.” Many people told me that my abortion story was “different.” People gently said that I had no reason to seek healing or forgiveness, because I got some kind of “pass.” After all, the circumstances were beyond my control. Then why was I still grieving?

If this is the first thing you’ve read that helps peel back any blinders of denial, I pray it is here today, coming from a sister in Christ who wants to speak this to you with love and compassion. Unless your life was in danger (the case for less than 1% of the population), you did have a choice. I had a choice to say no to a medically advised abortion, but I didn’t take it. Very few things hurt me as deeply as coming to this realization, that although it was neither suggested nor encouraged, I could have carried my wounded baby to term. While only God knows if He would have healed our babies during the balance of our pregnancies, carrying our babies to term might have given our children a chance to be a miracle. If this makes you mad or makes you cry, it’s okay to take time to walk away from this article. Talk to someone, seek counseling, healing resources, and support, and don’t walk through this journey without help, because you are not alone. There are more than 120,000 of us parents who face this impossible decision every year in the United States alone. 

I’ve never written anything as direct as what I am saying here today, but it is out of empathy, experience, and more prayer than I could ever tally. I don’t want to wound your hurting heart, but I want to be honest with you, because honesty is what will help you move out of denial and into a more constructive phase of grieving.

You are still grieving because this is a big grief—a confounded, compounded, and disenfranchised grief. Losing your baby to a poor prenatal prognosis and abortion is grief you’ve earned and deserve to feel. You lost a child, and you deserve to walk through all of the stages of grief that follow: shock and denial, anger, depression, forgiveness, grief and mourning, and acceptance. Why do you still hurt after a medically advised abortion, though much time has passed? Because you were put in an impossible situation, and you are human. Because the medical community lied to you about some things, perhaps even friends or family influenced you to choose termination, hoping it would spare the baby and protect you. This realization is the beginning of healing, and forgiving those involved with your abortion will one day lift a thousand pounds off your chest. 

Our Father in heaven knows what it feels like to surrender His son Jesus to death, death on a cross, because He loved us so much that He died to cover our sins, past present, and future. If you’re reading this you may have wanted your baby, likely loved your baby, and you made the best decision you felt you could at the time, and that decision is in the past. You can’t go back and undo this great loss, but you can talk to God and ask Him to forgive you, which the Bible promises God does in an instant. Asking for forgiveness from our Father in heaven is something you can do today, and I promise you will experience tremendous relief. Ask Jesus to partner with you on this journey and seek out all the healing resources, classes, books, Bible studies, and community you can find. God already knew what choice you would make when you were encouraged to end your pregnancy. He’s a good father, standing by right now, ready to hear your heart and offer comfort to your soul and spirit. Please don’t spend another day living in denial, regret, anger, depression, or shame. Freedom and healing are available today. 

Here at An Even Place, we partner with Jesus to help people just like you find a loving community where hope is possible. Visit us at https://anevenplace.com/.

As an author and abortion recovery leader, Jenny Foster is passionate about meeting hurting hearts with love and compassion. She shares the hope and forgiveness found in Christ with those seeking healing and freedom. You can reach Jenny at jennyfoster@anevenplace.com.