One of the first steps in healing from something painful or traumatic is to determine if you are in denial. Denial means declaring something untrue. In other words, it’s a natural defense mechanism that tells us “it didn’t happen,” and if it didn’t happen, then we’ll be okay. Denial helps buffer the immediate shock of a painful event, but when it continues too long, it can hinder the grief and healing process. Denial works in opposition to one of the ultimate goals of the healing process —acceptance. If any of this sounds familiar, consider digging deeper into how denial shows up in your life. 

One of several key indicators of denial is secrecy. If we don’t tell anyone about our abortion experience, perhaps there’s still a chance that it didn’t happen. If we keep our abortion a secret, maybe we can keep the aftermath of feelings from bubbling up in our bodies, minds, and spirits. If we don’t tell anyone, we can better control feelings of guilt or shame, grief, or regret. Secrecy attempts to lock up our pain in a back closet, as we try to throw away the key. Secrecy helps to keep the experience at arm’s length, disassociating us from trauma. 

While a significant percentage of women tell the baby’s father about the pregnancy and abortion plan, it’s not always the case. It can seem easier to push down painful feelings when we tell ourselves that just a few people know, and even simpler if we opt to tell no one at all. While managing control of the secret can feel like we have some power over the trauma, we are still holding on to the memories, working hard to push them down. On the outside, we may look like “everything’s fine” and that we have it all together. At the same time, on the inside, many women can experience flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression, shame, relationship difficulties, anger, unforgiveness, overprotectiveness of other children, avoidance of specific places and situations, and more. 

While I’m sure you can answer the question, “Who have I told?” ask yourself, “Who have I not told?” Did you decide not to tell your in-laws, OB-GYN, or church friends? Did you experience abortion before you got married and choose not to tell your husband? If you feel comfortable, ask yourself, “Why have I not told anyone else?”

• Do I feel too ashamed to share the secret?
• Do I worry that if my friends knew, they would stop being my friends?
• Will my husband think I lied to him, or leave me?
• Are you concerned that the church won’t show compassion or will turn its back on you?
• What else holds you back?

There are no rules about telling people. But it’s important to check in with yourself and evaluate whether you guard the secret for reasons that may impact your physical, behavioral, emotional, or spiritual health. As many as one in four women sitting in the pews at church have walked through abortion just like you, but when churches don’t talk about abortion healing support, many of us interpret the silence as confirmation that we should keep our secrets. I spent twenty years in my church in secrecy, and when I finally told the woman who to me personified the perfect “church lady,” I was shocked to find out that she had a painful past that included abortion, drugs, and alcohol abuse. No one has a perfect past. 

If you’re ready to step forward in your healing, God is the best first person you can talk to. He already knows every detail of your story, but He wants to hear from you. He loves you unconditionally, and He is faithful to forgive all sins. Jesus offers the safest place to share what’s on your heart, and if you accept His love, “His yoke is easy, and His burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). You can leave the heavy burdens you carry at the cross. Moving past denial can be acutely painful, but if you keep moving forward to the next stage in the healing process, you’ll be heading in a direction that leads to profound self-discovery, compassion, and growth. Healing is a process you don’t have to shoulder alone. Find a friend, counselor, or abortion recovery leader you can trust who will walk next to you with unconditional love and support. 

Jenny Foster