I experienced an unplanned pregnancy in my second year of college. Although it was a shock, I honestly felt a little excited about the potential of this little life and the life I could have with my significant other. I didn’t even really see it as a “problem” until he responded that I should have an abortion. I never even thought of abortion! But he wouldn’t even consider the thought of a child, or for that matter, our future and this child. I was so confused. I immediately felt such a disconnect in our relationship and my ability to communicate with him. We didn’t talk thoroughly about anything because he just kept mentioning abortion, which completely shut me down. There was no love or concern for me, for my feelings, or for our baby, I felt alone.

As time went on, I felt so rejected, almost as if I had no option. I’m not fully sure why I felt like I had lost my voice. I was a strong, independent, (and honestly a bit unruly and mouthy) young woman. But this was something I was unprepared for, something not even on my grid. I felt frozen and unable to process what was happening because everything was moving so quickly. I was paralyzed by fear. Will I be alone? Can I even raise a child? How will my friends and teachers view me? What will my family think? Will I ever get married and have a normal life? Where will the money come from? Can I finish school?

The baby I was carrying suddenly began to feel like a threat. A threat to my current life and to what I wanted in the future. Or what I thought I wanted. In all the confusion and rejection, I thought about abortion as an option for the first time. What was once a firm no, went to a consideration. Although I never really discussed abortion with anyone or thought it fully through, I innately felt it wasn’t right. I knew it was a baby, but it seemed in that moment of consideration I didn’t allow myself to connect to my baby anymore. I no longer allowed myself to envision a baby in my future. It seemed as if it was a quick escape from all that was screaming at me. It was a solution that promised to eliminate this “threat” I was feeling and “get my life back to normal”.

How did this surprise that brought me a glimpse of joy turn into such a dark and dreaded place? I couldn’t shake the dread and fear about continuing the pregnancy and ultimately decided to have a surgical abortion. It was a quick, but very painful procedure. When it was over, I immediately felt loss and regret. I cried myself to sleep and cried out to God to forgive me. Why did I only talk to God then? Oh, how I wished I would have talked to him before this awful day.

I lived many years with an awful pit on the inside of my stomach. I didn’t view myself or the world around me the same. It eventually came to the place where I couldn’t avoid it anymore, I was stuck in addiction and having major depression. Finally, I ran to church. It was the only place I knew to go. I slowly began to heal and to have hope! After several years on this new journey with God, someone encouraged me to go to a healing program specifically for women who had an abortion in their past. I entered a small group with four other women. I still remember starting that group. I was terrified.

I was letting others see the worst part of me and asking them to love me anyway. Hoping that they would see past that awful ugliness and just give me a chance to explain. But the reality is, I didn’t truly have any excuse that would make it or me look or feel any better. It was the scariest and most sacred place I have ever been. We spent many weeks together crying, praying, sharing our anger, our sadness, our guilt and our regret with one another. We walked back through our painful memories so we could allow God and each other into those places and heal. It was holy ground, a place that only God could help heal. What took place there has marked me forever. I’m not that rejected broken woman anymore. I know a God who loves and is for me. I have a new perspective that allows me to see the beauty of what is right before me and the faith for things I don’t yet see. I have an expectation of good things for myself and for others.

If you are broken from abortion, I want to say I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry you didn’t receive the support you needed. I’m so sorry you felt rejected or abandoned in your time of need. I’m sorry no one ever told you the truth about abortion. I’m so sorry you are feeling alone and like you can’t imagine this awful pain ever going away. I know that awful pain and despair. But let me extend my faith to you right now, you can get through this. And not just get through it, but you can thrive and have joy again. You can have hope for your future and still have a life that you can be proud of.

I know it’s scary but reach out today and join a group. You will be encouraged, equipped, and most importantly, you will be in community with others who are feeling the same way. You were never meant to do this alone!

For information on groups visit https://heartbeats.org/abortion/after-abortion-support/

To register or to speak with someone email Melissa and Janice at healing@heartbeats.org or call 740.327.0601. We will get back with you during regular business hours.

All services are no cost.