For the purposes of this article, let’s assume that abortion DOES affect a marriage.
Let’s dive in to explore how marriage is impacted by abortion, based on our personal abortion experience. We’ll look at both the wife (Debbie) and husband (Tim) perspectives, including broken trust, unresolved grief, shame and others.
We recognize that many couples are impacted in other areas after abortion, and a future marriage can be affected when the wife or husband has experienced an abortion prior to the current relationship. However, we chose to focus on our own struggles.
Our abortion story
Debbie
I grew up in a stable Christian home with loving parents and two sisters in IL. My life revolved around playing multiple sports, church activities and studies in school. I’m thankful to have avoided many of the pitfalls young women fall into during the teen years, by staying focused on God and having a strong family. You could call me “the good girl.”
Tim and I met shortly after we both graduated from high school, fell in love and were engaged within 9 months, knowing we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together.
Staying pure until marriage was a strong moral value I held in my heart.
I was blessed to land a full ride basketball scholarship to a Division I school in IN for my junior and senior years of college. Tim had been living in Mississippi for a few months for work. Because of the difficulties involved with pursuing a long-distance relationship, we decided I would move from IL to MS for the summer, before heading to college in August.
We set ourselves up for failure by not planning better living arrangements, and it didn’t take long for our relationship to go to a level we weren’t prepared for.
Several weeks before I was to head back to school, I heard those fateful words, “Congratulations, you’re pregnant.”
We were both paralyzed with fear.
“What will everyone back home think about us…about me? Our families, pastors, friends, teammates? My parents will be so disappointed. I could lose my scholarship, my education…my reputation.”
Together, we chose abortion, believing the lie that no one would ever have to know about our pre-marital sex, the pregnancy, or the abortion…and believing this was our only option.
How did abortion affect me and our marriage?
Broken trust: I trusted Tim to protect me. That what we were doing sexually was safe. The foundation of trust that healthy relationships are built upon was fractured before we said, “I do.” Later, I struggled to trust Tim for even minor decisions. While I tried to hide my lack of trust, it didn’t take long for Tim to realize this, which undermined his authority as the head of the household and his identity.
Secrecy: We never talked about the experience again, or how it was impacting us individually. We told no one. We both buried the secret deep in our hearts.
Dishonesty: Because we were unwilling to honestly share our feelings, our grief, the heaviness of the shame, we kept the happy face mask on when in public, and even with each other.
Unresolved grief: We got married the summer after the abortion.
Our first pregnancy as a married couple ended in miscarriage. All the sorrow, shame and condemnation of the enemy came rushing to the surface, as the enemy taunted me with lies. “This is the punishment you deserve. God is mad at you. He will never give you another child.”
Sadly, I internalized and carried those false beliefs, not once sharing how I felt or processing my grief.
Shame: I was so ashamed of myself for not having more discipline to keep our relationship pure before God. I felt like a moral failure. Then, add the abortion on top of that, something I NEVER even thought about. The intense feeling of letting God down was a deep and painful wound. Yet, I didn’t open up to Him about it, or anyone else.
Unworthiness: Shame led to feelings of unworthiness, like I didn’t deserve anything good from God, Tim or others. It was hard for me to receive, even gifts or compliments from Tim.
Early in our marriage, I remember him getting me a nice outfit for my birthday. I found out how much he spent and returned it to the store because I thought he spent too much money. To Tim, that was like a slap in the face.
Unforgiveness: I did eventually believe God forgave me. But, I hadn’t truly forgiven Tim, or myself, which led to anger, bitterness and resentment. These gradually seeped out in my behavior, attitude and tone toward Tim.
Unrealistic expectations: I had emotional and spiritual needs, and I looked to my husband to meet every one.
For years, I often thought I didn’t need women friends. I have Tim, and that’s all I need (sounds a little like codependency). I now realize that I didn’t want to get too close to anyone as a way of protecting my secret pain and true feelings.
When Tim didn’t/couldn’t fulfill my expectations, I became angry, resentful, and confused.
Wedge: After several years, there was this “thing” that I couldn’t put my finger on between Tim and me. A wedge that began with a small sliver between us. But with each unmet expectation, disappointment, or disagreement, the wedge was tapped in a little farther.
Fear: Not only was fear a major factor in making the abortion decision, but I also carried an undercurrent of fear in my heart and mind afterward. Fear of people finding out, of what people think about me, of disappointing others, of not being perfect.
People-pleaser: Due to these fears, I worked hard to please everybody. I served on committees at church, was VBS director, Sunday School teacher, Board member, nursery worker. Saying NO was hard for me. I often put other people ahead of myself, my husband, and sometimes our kids, which left Tim feeling like low man on the totem pole.
Controlling parent: While others turn to drugs, alcohol, sex or other addictions to cope with abortion, control became my addiction. After not feeling in control of the situation surrounding the abortion, I longed to stay in control in every facet of my life.
As we raised our first three children, I felt like I had to be the perfect mom and expected my kids to be perfect. Again, unrealistic expectations. Tim is laid back and patient, so me trying to control the kids (and him) created more issues between us.
Difficulty with intimacy: Over time, intimacy became difficult for me. I felt like I couldn’t fully give myself to Tim. The weight of the shame, unworthiness, and unforgiveness in my heart numbed me, and created a distance between us. At our lowest point, we were basically co-existing in the same house, keeping up with the kids, but showing no affection.
Spiritually: Anytime sin is hidden, buried and not confessed, it impacts our relationship with God. He loved me the same. But my sin, and the aftereffects, drew me away from Him, further damaging my identity in Him, my purpose, and perspective of Him.
While teaching our children about God, I was not receiving or walking in the fullness of the love of God for myself. It’s hard to give away what we do not have ourselves. I was spiritually malnourished, all while going to church every Sunday and Wednesday night and doing all the things. Ever heard the saying, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? The entire family was impacted.
Tim
I grew up the youngest of 8 children, 5 boys and 3 girls, in a Christian home. My father was a preacher. We were poor but didn’t know it. I grew up between Illinois and Tennessee having success in sports and enjoying my youth in the early 1980’s. I grew up knowing Jesus but continuing to take Him for granted. Knowing to do right but choosing to follow my own will for my life. I’m thankful God showed me grace and mercy to see me through.
How did abortion affect me and our marriage?
Trust Broken – as Debbie and I became closer and knew the plans we had to be married, in my mind I justified my decisions. She trusted me to keep her safe and that I would not lead us into bad situations and decisions. I broke her trust and the results of that was pregnancy of our first child and the abortion. With the Lord’s help and forgiveness every day, I try to restore the trust and be better than the day before with Jesus.
No Communication – After our abortion, Debbie and I were trying to get along with our lives like nothing ever happened. We never talked about the abortion and that led to not really talking deeply about anything, and which is not good in a marriage.
Feeling like I’m not good enough – Afterward, I always had feelings of self-doubt and never being good enough. This was a total turnaround from my life before the abortion. Because of my success in sports, I always had everyone telling me how great I was, and that I was good enough that I could do whatever I wanted. My decision to have an abortion broke something in me as I struggled to find purpose and meaning.
Never able to reconcile it – I believe this to be one of the toughest things to deal with as a man who has participated in an abortion…that I can do nothing about it. Once you make that decision and follow through, it’s done forever. When reality finally hit me that I can never in myself make this right, it broke me. It wasn’t until I let Jesus heal me and restore me that I was able to move forward.
Can’t fix it – Can’t fix my wife – As men, many of us pride ourselves in being able to fix things. I struggled as I took the responsibility to try and fix my wife. I knew I had disappointed her and hurt her, and I wanted to do whatever she wanted and whatever I could to fix her. Many years later, I realized I was not responsible for my wife’s decisions or anyone else’s, and that I just can’t fix some things. Only God is the master fixer, the only one who can.
Can’t go back and make it right – This is what breaks my heart. This is the thorn in my side, the prod that keeps me going. To know that I can’t go back and stop it all. To stop my carnal cravings and control my desire and impulses for my fiancé until the right time. To stop the abortion of my son, Thomas, and save his life. And to stop all the pain and hurt that followed. As I think of these things, it drives me on to help others. To make myself available for Jesus to use to help others see the truth, before they make an abortion decision.
How did we find healing?
Too often abortion steals life, marriage, family, and legacy. Sadly, most relationships, whether married or not, end after experiencing the trauma of abortion.
By the grace of God, our story has a happy ending! He was the glue that held us together those first 10 years of our marriage. We are thrilled to give Him all the glory as we celebrated our 37th anniversary this month!
We are forever grateful to the Lord for walking with us through those difficult years; for blessing us with two more amazing children (5 total); for restoring our relationship with Him and with each other; for washing away the shame and heaviness, healing our hearts, comforting us as we grieved, setting us free from our past; for calling us to open a pregnancy help center in IL, and anointing us for abortion recovery ministry.
Through healing in other areas of my life recently, like codependency, I’ve realized that many of the issues I struggled with after the abortion, were present before I even met Tim. Like the trust issues and being a people pleaser. I now realize my insecurities fed into the abortion decision.
Romans 8:28 NIV “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
He truly has taken what the enemy meant for evil and destruction and is using our journey as His instruments of grace for healing.
Debbie & Tim Shultz
Embracing Grace After Abortion
