By Jenny Foster
We know the statistics about how common abortion is, with as many as 1 in 4 women worldwide experiencing an abortion in their lifetime. For every one of the 73 million abortions that take place around the world each year, why haven’t we talked about the men?
Why have men been forgotten for so long in abortion recovery?
- Stereotyped beliefs that few fathers are involved in the abortion decision, that many leave the decision to the woman to make, or that they don’t care are not always the case. Some would argue that men have even been villainized in the abortion narrative.
- Because men do not physically carry the pregnancy, they are often relegated to being unimportant in the experience.
- It remains illegal for a man in the United States to stop an abortion. He has no constitutional right to do so, even if the child is his.
- Society expects men to be strong and not openly express grief, leading many to think they’re doing okay and don’t need help.
- There has been a lack of support and resources, resulting in compounded silence and isolation for fathers of aborted babies.
Do men grieve abortion?
Absolutely! Men and women grieve just as intensely in any loss—they just grieve differently. 71% of men report adverse effects following an abortion experience, according to a 2023 white paper by Support After Abortion.* Men may experience all of the steps in the grief cycle (shock, denial, anger, depression, grief). Just like abortion-wounded women, men may feel relief, shock, regret, shame, a need to forgive themselves and others, a need to grieve and mourn for their lost child, and the right to honor or memorialize their lost baby.
How do men grieve differently?
- Often dismissed or invalidated in the abortion story, it’s common for men to remain silent about what happened.
- By putting on a brave front or hiding their abortion, things may appear “fine” on the outside.
- Men may be less outwardly verbal in expressing their feelings, processing privately, making it less likely for them to confide in safe friends.
- Many men experience a delayed emotional response to being the father of a baby lost to abortion, not recognizing the trauma as a source of unexplained anger or depression.
- Due to social norms and pressures, men have been conditioned not to cry publicly, which creates a powerful inhibition of emotions associated with grief and sadness.
- Emotional suppression can contribute to frustration and anger, isolation, and self-medication, which can lead to substance abuse.
- Men tend to express their grief through physical actions, projects, or returning to work to do something about the pain.
- Some men experience what feels like a loss of their masculinity, and that they should have been a protector of the mother and child.
Why is it just as important for men to get healing?
- Abortion is a loss of fatherhood—a loss of expectations and future dreams for a family.
- Men typically go on to become fathers of other living children for whom they want to be functional.
- Without healing, grief and pain can profoundly impact relationships and families.
- Not addressing aftereffects like PTSD, anxiety, depression, and anger can make it difficult for some men to maintain stable employment.
- Unforgiveness can lead to bitterness, broken relationships, and negative health effects.
- If men do not address unresolved grief, the generational cycle of abortion is more easily passed down.
Both men and women grieve reproductive loss deeply, whether it is the loss of a baby to miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, or the loss of a living child. The death of a child is universally accepted as one of the greatest possible life stressors. Societal expectations have caused many men to take their grief and loss and push it down deeper. Countless men have been sidelined before, during, and after an abortion decision, and are left feeling powerless and silenced, like bystanders watching the demise of their own child.
As a woman, I am sad that men haven’t been given the honor and dignity they deserve to openly grieve the loss of their aborted children—a palpable and cruel example of disenfranchised grief. But I am optimistic and grateful to see a growing number of books, resources, retreats, and healing classes now available for men.
If you know a man who is hurting from the trauma of a past abortion, please reach out for help and resources. Here’s a great place to start:
As an author and abortion recovery leader, Jenny Foster is passionate about meeting hurting hearts with love and compassion. She shares the hope and forgiveness found in Christ with those seeking healing and freedom. You can reach Jenny at jennyfoster@anevenplace.com.